the night...

i seem to come to this place in the late hours of the night... i still miss you sometimes... perhaps its the idea of you... i keep telling myself i need a change... something... someone... anything to come into my life... to make things feel real again for me... to put meanings into my actions... but at the same time... i need to do whats best for myself... last night i wasn't alone... getting texts from a friend who also was troubled by the thoughts of the night... i wonder how many like me are just lying there... staring at the ceiling... and just wondering... longing... and trying to pinpoint what isn't there... i've just watched robocop... and started robocop 2... he struggles with thoughts of his wife... who thinks he's dead... he was turned into a machine... and is no longer human... i guess when you put it that way my problems don't seem to large... i just want there to be something... i guess i've always told people... it will come when you least expect it... i guess its time i start taking my own advice... i ran today... it felt good to do something... it was so hard to get out of bed today... lets hope this week makes things better...

can't sleep....

so i can't sleep... a lot has been on my mind lately... i fear that it may be showing... peeking through what i try to mask from the inside... other people have mentioned it... others have noticed it... is it that obvious... is it i who can't see it... who knows... but i guess i'll be the first one to admit it... i'm not entirely happy... i mean that's not to be confused with not being thankful for what i've got around me... sometimes i don't know if i'm over it... other times i fear i may never be over it... its like something inside that creeps and peeks out just enough to have you remember... and its always when you're about to forget... i want things to be different... things to be changing... things always used to change... now it seems like its an ever flowing river of monotony... i want to do things... but work keeps me preoccupied... don't get me wrong i love it... its just that i guess... i miss doing things randomly... meeting new people... meeting lots of people... interesting people... why is it so hard to do that now... i don't know... now all i do is catch myself not being able to sleep... thinking about......... things........ all of this emotion inside... wanting to spill out... but where... my judgment is clouded i know... but what if i don't care... who cares... nobody thinks clearly now anyway... everyone's always got this film that they see the world through... at least i know there is a film... i don't know...

EmptySpace brings a new meaning...

so i've graduated... found a decent career... but it feels... empty... i don't know if this feeling is temporary... or if my feelings are just amplified by this empty house... its not loud when i come home... i think i realized that i wouldn't be able to live alone... i would like a roommate... instead of all of this empty space... i feel like my life should be filled with more adventure... instead of the monotony of the daily grind... i haven't been working for long and i know that in time i will grow to dislike it more and more... but who knows maybe its different when you've got someone to go home to... instead of an empty house... i guess we all have to pay our dues before really living life... and this is just me paying my dues... at least i hope... here's to a better day...

New Everything...

i feel as if everything has changed... of course i've kept the same friends from before... well the ones that really mattered... but its like i'm trying to get used to something different... something brand new... its kind of exciting... but then at the same time i just hope i don't mess up... what if i can't handle it... i guess right now is the perfect time to find out... to see what i'm really made of... to see how far i can push myself... trying to find time for a life with work... work... and work... i mean holding 3 jobs sounds crazy... i guess i should be saving money... although there are new things... new experiences that i'm excited for... just new... i'm ready to step out of the ordinary... to experience something new... and go with it... lets see what happens...


till then...beNew...

A Complicated Situation...

feeling torn... between things... all things... it may be just because i'm tired... who knows... is there a chance?... or is it just the liquid confidence talking... feelings... i haven't felt in a long time... how do i know if they are true... if they are the real deal... or am i fooling myself... i never doubted my feelings until now... maybe i just need a reminder... some kind of reassurance... i've been out of the game for what seems like eternity... and here it is... pops into my lap... and i'm not quite sure what to do with it... i wish things were different... well no i take it back... i think things happened exactly as they were supposed to... i don't like mixed signals... confusion... but then again there's no way to know for sure unless certain steps are taken... i must be careful... i don't want to ruin it... everything seems so welcoming... but at the same time mysteriously shut... i want to just say it out loud... just so that a reaction can be analyzed... i guess we'll just have to wait and see...

till then beComplicated...

Blizzard Aftermath

After the blizzard i'm glad to have witnessed it... after playing in the snow well shoveling it first lol i felt like a kid again... i remember when i was young i would play out in the snow for hours... i would sometimes just lie there... half buried in the snow looking up at the sky... the sun was hot on my face and my body warm from being overly bundled by my mom of course haha... it was nice i didn't have worries then... i didn't think about the future... or the past... i lived in the moment... just watching the clouds go by and thinking to myself how peaceful this is and how i wish i could take that and bottle it up and save it for later... i don't find myself finding those moments these days... lately its been waking up... going to work... going home... and eating at each of the respective times... i try to look for things... adventures... chances to break the cycle... people to meet... friends to spend time with... and just taking the time out of my day to play... today i didn't have snow pants on... had the wrong gloves... the wrong shoes... but it was a blizzard and i didn't care... just like how i did when i was a kid... i didn't care my toes were freezing... i didn't care i had snow in my shirt... down my pants... i was having fun... suddenly i was that kid again lying in the snow... looking up at the sky... and just taking it in... until a snowball hits my face lol...

till then bePlayful.....