3 words...

Putting myself out there seems to be the common trend these days... I used to fear what people may think... How one may react... How 3 little words have the potential of changing everything... I haven't felt this way in a long time... To be honest it's quite scary... Hanging by only the strings of my heart... I feel as though sometimes you hide your emotions... You put on this mask... Too afraid to let yourself feel... I don't blame you... You were hurt before... We all were... The fear of heartache... The uncertainty of what someone might do with your heart once you've given it away... It makes sense... Everyone should guard their heart... If you could only see my heart... It's surface filled with scars.... Burns... But don't let those things steer you away... It's as strong as can be and it's yours... I'm not afraid of what you might do to it... I can assure you it's strong enough to withstand anything you can imagine... Maybe someday you'll trust me with yours... Maybe one day you won't be afraid to let me have a piece of it in exchange for mine... When I told you I loved you it wasn't with the intention of wanting to hear it back but wanting to let you know that you have my heart... All of it... Scars, burns, and all of its imperfections... I know you'll take good care of it... Or maybe you'll break it in half... Either way it's something I won't regret and will always be worth it... Hopefully one day you'll trust me with yours... and I promise you I'll guard it with my life...

until then... beLoving...

"Dulces Sueños"

it feels like forever since I've payed any attention to this... quite frankly I don't even know what I'm referencing in my previous post from 2012... anyway a lot has changed in my life since then... many moments filled with absolute joy... it's been a while since someone has filled me with so much happiness... and just like that it's gone and all I have now are the memories... with anything I knew the risks going in... knew that I would be putting my heart at high risk of being broken... but that didn't matter to me... any risk was always outweighed by how special you made me feel...  I don't know why I tend to find myself here during times where the light of hope isn't so bright... I feel as though I'm seeing everything around me through a hazy filter... I'll be sitting with friends and will just stare off... tune everything out... sometimes I wonder if you feel the same... sometimes I wonder what's in store for us in the future... if there is even a future... I wonder how it would be... I just hope i'm doing the right thing... I tend to over think... how much space is too much... there are times where I would just want to pick up the phone and tell you that these past couple of days have been very difficult and that all I want to do is just hold you because missing you becomes too overwhelming sometimes... a heavy heart although not difficult to carry around at first... grows to be quite challenging as the days go by... but I guess this is what love does to people... feelings so strong that some can't help but write poetry or songs to help express themselves... I find myself listening to artists with songs similar to what I feel now... it's like listening to some songs for the first time... I guess I should take this opportunity as a time for reflection... to really assess the things I want for the future... hopefully I find myself somewhere in your future... until then I'll just have to hope we find each other in our dreams...

until then... beHopeful 

Curiosity...

so there have been some changes in my life... people i've met... not quite sure what's going on yet... would I like to explore more? sure... but too soon to tell... too many things in the way... lots of things need to be in line... during my journey to get all of the things in my life in order i would say this is more of a nice bump in the road...  it will be quite some time till anything will come of it... or at least I think... but who knows... time will tell... and we'll find out... but right now... i'm just enjoying the ride... and taking it in... its nice to have a change... something to look forward too each day... lets see where this goes...

till then... beCurious...

the night...

i seem to come to this place in the late hours of the night... i still miss you sometimes... perhaps its the idea of you... i keep telling myself i need a change... something... someone... anything to come into my life... to make things feel real again for me... to put meanings into my actions... but at the same time... i need to do whats best for myself... last night i wasn't alone... getting texts from a friend who also was troubled by the thoughts of the night... i wonder how many like me are just lying there... staring at the ceiling... and just wondering... longing... and trying to pinpoint what isn't there... i've just watched robocop... and started robocop 2... he struggles with thoughts of his wife... who thinks he's dead... he was turned into a machine... and is no longer human... i guess when you put it that way my problems don't seem to large... i just want there to be something... i guess i've always told people... it will come when you least expect it... i guess its time i start taking my own advice... i ran today... it felt good to do something... it was so hard to get out of bed today... lets hope this week makes things better...

can't sleep....

so i can't sleep... a lot has been on my mind lately... i fear that it may be showing... peeking through what i try to mask from the inside... other people have mentioned it... others have noticed it... is it that obvious... is it i who can't see it... who knows... but i guess i'll be the first one to admit it... i'm not entirely happy... i mean that's not to be confused with not being thankful for what i've got around me... sometimes i don't know if i'm over it... other times i fear i may never be over it... its like something inside that creeps and peeks out just enough to have you remember... and its always when you're about to forget... i want things to be different... things to be changing... things always used to change... now it seems like its an ever flowing river of monotony... i want to do things... but work keeps me preoccupied... don't get me wrong i love it... its just that i guess... i miss doing things randomly... meeting new people... meeting lots of people... interesting people... why is it so hard to do that now... i don't know... now all i do is catch myself not being able to sleep... thinking about......... things........ all of this emotion inside... wanting to spill out... but where... my judgment is clouded i know... but what if i don't care... who cares... nobody thinks clearly now anyway... everyone's always got this film that they see the world through... at least i know there is a film... i don't know...

EmptySpace brings a new meaning...

so i've graduated... found a decent career... but it feels... empty... i don't know if this feeling is temporary... or if my feelings are just amplified by this empty house... its not loud when i come home... i think i realized that i wouldn't be able to live alone... i would like a roommate... instead of all of this empty space... i feel like my life should be filled with more adventure... instead of the monotony of the daily grind... i haven't been working for long and i know that in time i will grow to dislike it more and more... but who knows maybe its different when you've got someone to go home to... instead of an empty house... i guess we all have to pay our dues before really living life... and this is just me paying my dues... at least i hope... here's to a better day...

New Everything...

i feel as if everything has changed... of course i've kept the same friends from before... well the ones that really mattered... but its like i'm trying to get used to something different... something brand new... its kind of exciting... but then at the same time i just hope i don't mess up... what if i can't handle it... i guess right now is the perfect time to find out... to see what i'm really made of... to see how far i can push myself... trying to find time for a life with work... work... and work... i mean holding 3 jobs sounds crazy... i guess i should be saving money... although there are new things... new experiences that i'm excited for... just new... i'm ready to step out of the ordinary... to experience something new... and go with it... lets see what happens...


till then...beNew...

A Complicated Situation...

feeling torn... between things... all things... it may be just because i'm tired... who knows... is there a chance?... or is it just the liquid confidence talking... feelings... i haven't felt in a long time... how do i know if they are true... if they are the real deal... or am i fooling myself... i never doubted my feelings until now... maybe i just need a reminder... some kind of reassurance... i've been out of the game for what seems like eternity... and here it is... pops into my lap... and i'm not quite sure what to do with it... i wish things were different... well no i take it back... i think things happened exactly as they were supposed to... i don't like mixed signals... confusion... but then again there's no way to know for sure unless certain steps are taken... i must be careful... i don't want to ruin it... everything seems so welcoming... but at the same time mysteriously shut... i want to just say it out loud... just so that a reaction can be analyzed... i guess we'll just have to wait and see...

till then beComplicated...

Blizzard Aftermath

After the blizzard i'm glad to have witnessed it... after playing in the snow well shoveling it first lol i felt like a kid again... i remember when i was young i would play out in the snow for hours... i would sometimes just lie there... half buried in the snow looking up at the sky... the sun was hot on my face and my body warm from being overly bundled by my mom of course haha... it was nice i didn't have worries then... i didn't think about the future... or the past... i lived in the moment... just watching the clouds go by and thinking to myself how peaceful this is and how i wish i could take that and bottle it up and save it for later... i don't find myself finding those moments these days... lately its been waking up... going to work... going home... and eating at each of the respective times... i try to look for things... adventures... chances to break the cycle... people to meet... friends to spend time with... and just taking the time out of my day to play... today i didn't have snow pants on... had the wrong gloves... the wrong shoes... but it was a blizzard and i didn't care... just like how i did when i was a kid... i didn't care my toes were freezing... i didn't care i had snow in my shirt... down my pants... i was having fun... suddenly i was that kid again lying in the snow... looking up at the sky... and just taking it in... until a snowball hits my face lol...

till then bePlayful.....

don't worry i didn't forget about this!

anyway i've been spending quite a bit of time on my youtube channel where i post vlogs (video blogs or logs) of what i do in my life i guess its getting to be more personal now that the strangers who happen to read this can put a face to my feelings... does it bother me? not really i mostly started doing the vlogs out of sheer bordeom but now from receiving positive feedback i think i'll continue to post videos i guess i can also look back and see what i did and how i was and how my video's have evolved (if i ever get to that point where i have that many videos but i hope to keep this going for a while) i must admit i'm still getting used to talking to the camera and not being self concious... like how i look if people will judge just that sort of thing but then i just sort of brush it of... sort of... and just try to convey confidence well i guess you could say that making vlogs is like practicing speeches in front of people and the more practice you get in conveying that confidence then the easer it will be to do that in "real world" situations... well its late and its easter so happy easter i hope everything is well in your life and family as well as the friends around you!

i need to start working out.....

till then beActive... (or at least plan to)

waiting for wednesday's vlog to upload...

it's getting more and more fun to upload these videos... even tho i know that not many people watch them... i guess it just gives me something to do... as well as something to look back to... i hope i can continue to do these videos for a long time and have a long collection to perhaps MAYBE show my children in the future and be like hey look at what dad did! he wasted alot of time and filmed himself lol... anyway its just a thought lol... i've come to a musical block and i think i need to start playing other things other than taylor swift when i make covers... don't get me wrong i love her music its just i think i need more of a variety haha so if you have any suggestions just lmk by leaving a comment!

till then...beSpontaneous!

to whom this may concern...

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feelings that I’ve felt today… but years ago… I wonder if you think the same things… if you feel the same way… caught in this mess of wanting to be wanted but its not the same regardless of who its with… I don’t know if it we will ever find someone who will ever make us feel like how we felt when we were with each other… I know I won’t everything else would just be second best… and that’s not because I haven’t given it a chance… believe me I have and its made me into a person who I didn’t want to be… so for now I fly solo… doing things on my own… being happy with it just being me and only me… at least I try… I wonder if you still think about the way we used to be… I know I do… having the sun in my face walking to class… I tune everything out… people walking by… waiting at the crosswalk… sometimes I’ll smile while thinking of you… sometimes I’ll sigh a sigh of hopelessness… either way I haven’t ever stopped thinking of you… its getting harder and harder to talk to you… I feel like the what was once a malleable wall is hardening before us… the walls and lines of communication are being cut and getting higher… but no matter how high or how many lines are cut I’ll always have a ladder tall enough… sometimes I wish I could just ask you if you still love me… or if you’ve shared that love with someone else… I may never know… I wonder what it would have been like… where I would have been… if today had more meaning rather than a distant reminder of what could have been... it’s still saved in my phone… I put it in my calendar years ago… and not realizing it until this month that it was still there… but all I can do is just hope that you’re doing well… and your best… that you’re happy… content… loved… and everything in between... maybe we’re both secretly waiting for each other… although that statement sounds very strong right now… its weird cuz I can’t say that I am… but I also can’t deny the fact that I’m waiting… I guess its just there not by choice… not my brain… but my heart is who put it there… after all love isn’t logical…. Thinking back I can still remember the way you smell… the feeling of your hand in mine... having our fingers tangled... it feels like I haven’t heard your voice in years… will you ever read this... who knows… I won’t know… I guess that’s the beauty of online blogs… it only makes a difference or changes things when each other knows that they know… so I guess I’d just like you to know… or this is my way of letting you know… that I won’t forget… I haven’t forgotten… and I just want you to be happy in all that you do…even if you never see this...

till then...beSpecial... cuz that's what you are...

while rendering.....

i figure while i sit and wait here for my new vlog entry to render i should write something... so a friend of mine that i work with is having problems with an ex and how he/she dosen't know if they should see other people... ex's are a tricky thing... you wonder if they are seeing someone else and when they are its the worst thing in the world... it makes you do things that you would normally not do if you didn't know... but i mean we all have had our fair share of carma... what goes around comes around right... and this time what went around bit me in my ass real hard... so now i just drown myself in blogs, twitter, youtube, music, cars, and friends... not necessarily in that order (how this blog became about me i don't know just go with it?) anyway sometimes when you're that point where you're ex or whoever is with another person you just have to hope that they are happy... after all its not like you can make them happy (i mean you broke up for a reason right? i think...) and just hope that the person that they are with is good for them... who's either 1. better than you or 2. just something to hold them over until something as good as you comes around... regardless either way they need to be happy... even if its for the mean time or genuinely happy... there's no need to wish they were as miserable as you (if you are miserable that is) or to do the same things that you're doing (assuming they have the exact interests as you which is not always the case) either way i don't really know where i was going with this it just felt good to write i guess since the rendering of my video is picking up its pace.... 12% now woo! i've been enjoying making these videos and hopefully more in the future! i'm not sure what to say anymore so thanks for reading my randomness

take care of yourself...

New VLOG! are you EXCITED?!

so i decided that i'd try this vlog thing it seems pretty exciting i'm not sure how long i'll do it, i guess it depends on the feedback i get from my first few videos but so far so good but for now i'll just let the video do the talking =] (oh btw i added another youtube tab at the bottom wibia underbar of my vlog channel so you can have easy access to that too!)