Getting Married...

i've noticed that there has been alot of talk about weddings around me lately next week a friend who works at michaels with me will be sealing the deal with his fiance. i guess that and how everyone knows at michaels so people talk about their wedding and rings, how they proposed/got proposed to that sorta thing. it made me think of how i would propose to my special someone... well of course i would not say here haha i guess you'll just have to find out later =p anyway me and my friend were talkin and he told me that he was gettin nervous about the whole getting married thing. here's what i told him i asked him 1. do you love her? of course he said yes... then i asked him 2. can you see your life without her? he said no... then he said "ben, i can hear the cell door close on me... when she puts that ring on my finger thats the sound i'm gonna hear... the sound of cell doors closing and locking" after that i thought for a second then i asked him this question... now if the cell doors are going to close anyway sooner or later who would the one person you would want to have the key to those doors? and he's like well of course my fiance... so i was like well there you go don't be nervous you love her she loves you, you've been dating and engaged for some time now its just another step... i'm not sure if i reali made him less nervous i hope i did i mean its kainda cute seeing guys like that it makes me think of the things i would do... how i would feel... would i be nervous? prolly just cuz i'm human... would i be scared? no because if i decide to propose to my princess i would have already been in it for the long haul... but i mean i know this kainda stuff is going to be still in my future not super far but i mean its there... nothing wrong with dreaming right?...

till then...beBrave...

just my thoughts...

trying to not get ahead of myself... i should sleep... work tom... church tom... today was a good day... and i think tonight will be a restful night... i hope your nights are restful... and to these people...

harry... stop playing wow
mark... just go to sleep i know you're awake
keith... well if you just woke up then don't sleep but if you haven't slept sleep!
justin... let me guess.... either psp or watching late night anime...
carlo... i won't even bother cuz you're always awake
dane... i hope you're not playing wow
spencer... you're prolly looking at this in the morning so good morning

and if i didn't mention you its not that i don't think about you its just that you're prolly sleeping right now haha so sweet dreams =p

till then...beRandom...

Battery Draining Conversations...

you know when your conversation is going well when your phone starts beeping at you, you look to see if its a text message but then you see your battery indicator is blinking red haha that's exactly what happened to me tonight :) its always nice to reconnect with old friends... well not reconnect but more of just re-affirming the friendship... i think if i was not so tired i would actually talk till the morning lol well we could talk till the morning about anything and everything... its heartwarming to know that nothing has changed in the relationship... its these friends that i see at my wedding, part of the wedding party, at my first child's baptism, family parties, just being around for a long time... because when these friends grow old with us and someday have kids we will be able to tell them... oh i knew your mother back when we went to college together! lol and then we would reminisce while the kids would run away and do what children do lol but on a more serious note i'm truly blessed to have friends like these, friends who will help me through my hardest days, and celebrate with me during my life triumphs... i hope to make more friends like this although i think i'm pretty content with what i have now... i guess you could say i'm not really looking for other serious friendship relationships haha but i would never turn down the chance :)

till then...beLoving...

abrupt awakening...

i just... woke up... just now... i was sleeping... and i just woke up.... its 2:30am... i had no reason to wake up... no alarm... no sounds... i fell asleep around 11pm... then i just woke up... i felt weird... it was as if someone woke me up... or i had a dream that woke me up and i did not remember/realize what the dream was about... who knows... my mind is running away with reasons to why this happened... i guess if i post it here i may or may not get an answer...

till then... be...I-Have-No-Idea...

i'm not crazy i'm just a little restless...

i've been having this constant feeling of getting out... going away... getting away... away from here... away from my natural surroundings... and when i get the chance of changing my life to get out of my surroundings that have been around me for 16 years i'm going to get out like like a bat out of hell... maybe because i'm getting older who knows... i've always thought that i might stay in the same place but now its different... now that i've spent alot of time in the place that i said i would be in... i've gotten very bored with it... its all the same... i want something different... something new... i'm ready for new experiences... i'm ready for things to change... although they won't change right now... so i guess i'll just have to deal... we all have to deal... i guess it just depends on how we deal... i've talked to my cousin who used to live here then moved to seattle to start new... to start fresh... not gonna lie he's kind of my idol... i guess its like a secret love from afar ::without sounding creepy:: lol... but seriously the things he does... the new places... the new experiences that he has in places other than here... i've been to the sears tower more times than i can count... i've been to the lake so many times... all the touristy spots in and around my area i've done... at least twice... i guess thats what life is about finding and making your own path... i guess we as people want to look back and say hey look what i did... and be proud of our acomplishments... instead of people coming up to you saying... hey you're still here wow i thought you would be somewhere else by now... i'd want people coming up to me saying... hey have i seen you before... and i would respond with no i just moved into the area... that would be awesome... but i guess for now i just have to supress these feelilngs of escape... feelings of running away to a new place... maybe its cuz i live in the storage room in the basement... who knows i feel like i'm only at 50%... 100% of the time... perhaps i am crazy... or just a little restless...

till then...beFree...

Vividness...

dreams are very weird to me... i'm not much of a dreamer... usually i never dream... but lately i have been having dreams that are vivid... so vivid they don't seem like dreams... its as if its truly happening to me in real life... i don't know if its my mind playing a cruel joke on me... or perhaps its just my mind helping me... my mind helping itself take its mind off whats happening in reality... i mean for the duration of the dream i'm in a state of comfort... i'm not worried... i'm happy... it brings a whole new meaning to escaping in your dreams... this experience is just so new to me... i've never had anything like it before its almost unreal... well it is unreal... sometimes i don't like to wake from those dreams... because then i'm suddenly hit with reality... the realness of life... you can't fast forward in life... but i guess you can in your dreams... i've always wondered if two people or even more can find each other in their dreams... to make that connection... i've heard of stories where twins will feel the other twin when they are in pain or if something tragic happens to them they will get this feeling as if they are connected... now there has to be something to that... there just has to be some sort of connections that we make with each other... and perhaps if the conditions are better than ideal people can find each other in their dreams... tell them how they really feel... give each other comfort... letting the other know that they are still there... and will always be there... even though they may not ever say it out loud in real life... so i guess i'll just take these dreams as they come i mean i can't decide if i want to dream it just happens... perhaps the connection of two minds or a collection of hears is what makes it work... but it could also be all in my head... but there is no fun in that... i can dream right?...

till then...beConnected...

Somewhere Being Nostalgic...

when i was a child my all time favorite movie was An American Tail its this movie about these rats/mice making the journey to America. well i used to sing to this song somewhere out there all the time and my mom still tells me stories about how i would watch this movie so much she would get annoyed lol but she always thought it was so cute when i would sing haha... yeah i'm a mama's boy lol and what?! anyway just thought i'd share the song with you its not long but i guess if you have seen pictures of me when i was little then you could probably imagine how i sounded lol... well i guess i just never stopped singing cartoon songs lol oh well...oh here's a pic of me and my mom, this is actually the picture that i framed and gave it to her for mothers day :)



Lyrics:
somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlingt
someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

somewhere out there there's someone saying a prayer
that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

and even tho i know how very far apart we are
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

and when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

somewhere out there if love can see us throuh
then we'll be together somewhere out there

out where dreams come true...

hope you enjoyed the song like i still do :p

till then...beNostalgic...

whats it worth to you?

i guess you could say i don't know what i want but at the same time i know exactly what i want... you know the saying of "enjoying the fruits of your labor" well how will i know if the fruits are worth the labor... you don't... taking risks is a part of life... even if your a person who is not a risk taker... you are you just don't realize it... by simply not taking risks you are taking the risk of not taking those risks... a recurring theme in my life has been constantly coming up... the whole idea of is it worth it... everything comes down to if its worth it... is it worth not watching over your friend when they have a problem and the only way to help them is by not helping... is it worth experiencing pain or hurt when it comes to love... is it worth not being true to yourself... is it worth it to put up a mask hiding your true self... some of these i've experienced and some i have not... but it always seems to boil down to if its worth it... how far we are willing to go... willing to sacrifice... willing to hurt... or lie... or willing to just sit there and do nothing... i know a lot of these things are situational but it always comes down to two things... things that you want... and things that you don't want... i know some of you are saying "oh but its complicated", "oh you don't know what i'm feeling or what i'm going through"... we all have a choice and it comes down to if its worth it... now i know the path to finding out if its worth it may be long or short but to get anywhere you got to ask yourself what things are worth it to you... what things are worth keeping... what things are worth losing...

till then...beWorthy...

Taylor Swift... she's cool =p

ok so i've been listening to some of Taylor Swifts stuff out of sheer boredom and its not that bad i was just checking her music videos out on youtube and this one is prolly her best one...

the video is very..... American lol but then again that's what country music is all about right =p

till then...beEclectic...

struggling with my thoughts...

why did i sleep late last night... its right in front of me... its so obvious... i can't assume... should i go out tonight... i need to work out... i don't feel like going out tonight... wandering thoughts... am i happy... can i do this... its going to take some time... i'm strong... do they notice... will anyone notice... i haven't touched my guitar in 2 days... i should start playing again... been listening to Taylor Swift... i like her music... i think i'm going to move back upstairs... the basement is too cold... i want school to start already... i want to finish school already... don't assume... but i can't help it... i can see it... its as plain as black and white... screaming at my face... but its ok... i can handle it... there isnt anything i can't handle... i'm strong... and they will notice... i'm patient... i'm very patient... its a virtue... who knows maybe this will all make sense in the future... maybe tomorrow... why do i keep fortune cookie fortunes on the back of my phone... maybe i believe in them... maybe they will come true... maybe its random... but i never usually get the fortune cookie... all these thoughts... i wish there was an ikea for thoughts... i need miles of shelving... or bins... if i had a penny for my thoughts i'd be rich... i'm a thinker... i over analyze things... i pay attention to too much detail... i don't know where i'm going with this... maybe reaching out... for a connection... to anyone... for anyone... to get a taste of what goes on in my head... i don't think i'm going to go out tonight... i should sleep early...

till then... beThoughtful...

A not so bad Memorial Day...

So today i spent a lot of morning time with the family waking up at 9am then we went to the cemetery to visit my grandpa Sa Lim (dads dad) it was nice the whole gang was there brothers, cousins, the little children, if you've had the chance to meet my family you've probably met all of them cuz we travel in packs and everyone goes out with everyone lol then after that we went to china town to eat got there a bit too early since they were still closed so my family just took a stroll up and down the streets of chinatown. They got various chinatown foods and i had to look at the weapons store haha... anyway the place were we ate at was ok... not the best but not the worst... after that we all split our separate ways and just went home... so i'm chilling at home and Mark tells me that he's been having the most boring days of his life since he hasn't seen a soul in 2 days so i drive to see him which is about an hour away (which isnt bad at all i'd drive longer to see him) but yeah so we were just sitting around being bored together and let me tell you being bored with someone else is MUCH better than being bored by yourself lol... so two other people came over and we had ourselves a mini bbq :) idk why people like to bbq on memorial day but hey its always nice to bbq even if its just four people haha it was still fun... but now i'm home and i'm tired... i hope your memorial day was if not as exciting more exciting than mine :) i guess for some of us its back to work... but for me i don't work tom :p so i'll prolly try to get some things done around the house... we'll just see what tomorrow brings... new day... new experiences...

till then...beHappy...

waiting for my laundry...

today was a very long yet short tiring day... worked at 10am till about 4 then went hope worked out for a bit ate dinner then next thing i knew its already 12! anyway to my surprise i've been enjoying myself lately, since i've been home i've been having a lot of me time/alone time and i guess its not to bad because i'm so used to being around people when i'm in school that i guess i forget what i do when its just me. my cousins from new jersey just left so i think i'm gonna take my bed back upstairs so that i'm not sleeping in this cold basement lol anyway well tomorrow is memorial day and i'm going to visit my grandpa at the cemetery and pay my respects, its probably going to be followed up by my family going out to eat in china town not too excited about that but hey i guess its tradition right? its kind of sad that i don't remember my grandpa i have pictures of me sitting on his lap and my dad would tell me stories of when i would get in trouble i would just run into his lap and my dad wouldn't be able to punish me i guess he was like "base" haha. i bet it was nice having a base to go to when things got bad even tho i don't remember... i wish i had a base that i could just call and nothing could happen to me... but i guess that's wishful thinking... holidays aren't that special to me anymore... whenever i think about holidays i think... oh maybe i can work that day to get time and a half... or how i won't get to work out that day... yeah its fun being with my family but its the same stuff... sometimes i wonder how i'm going to spend my future holidays... if i move out of my house... i'm probably going to want to spend it with my family... but then again maybe not... maybe i'll be purposefully working who knows... i guess holidays are just excuses for people to make the day special when they should be making every day special... they should be making every day worth while... we should not need an excuse to celebrate... we should just celebrate... so the next time you feel like throwing a party or a bbq or whatever just do it don't wait for an excuse cuz there are too few holidays...

till then...beCelebratory...

For a Moment...

so i work at Michaels as a "Certified Custom Framer" lol it sounds fancy but its really not... i sit in the little (cave is what i like to call it) and frame peoples pictures all day or help people find out what they when when they come in to frame something that not a standard size... but in the times that i have to myself (i usually wait no always work by myself) i have alot of time to think... think about alot of things... random things... things that bother me... or just what i'm going to eat... i guess its good that i have alot of time to think since i would consider myself a thinker... but its also has its downs to thinking so much... like maybe some of you i overthink... overthink about alot of things... thoughts of the future... i always wonder whats going to happen... how things will play out... i think about how other people think... and what they are thinking... i think about if they think like me... latley i've been thinking about how people date "casually" what is that? i've never understood that... dating "casually" is that just a fancy name for short-term friends with benifits? i have no idea... then i came to my own conclusion that i don't think that i would ever date casually... just the thought of meeting someone for the first time then something inside of your makes your legs move toward them then slowly your body gives you the will to ask for their number... you're talking their hand brushes yours... you play it off like its nothing but you feel electricity... as if a thousand volts just passed through yours causing your heart to stop for a moment... you're addicted... addicted to that electricity... that burst of life that nobody can explain but only experience... and even those that have experienced can't explain that to people who have experienced it... its different for everyone... your legs get weak... your chest gets heavy... your palms are sweaty... you get nervous... pupils dialate... you're sucked in and you can't escape... now how does this "casually" happen? is casually dating dating someone without these feelings? how does that feel? is it closer to friendship? i have no idea... who knows... i guess maybe its just me... maybe its me who needs to feel those things... because i guess we can't look or tell people to make us feel those things... it just happens... and when it does happen... we wan't to be there... with them... always... not casually... but perhaps i still have alot to learn... alot to figure out... should i ignore the feelings that are there or ignore the lack of feelings? just so that perhaps maybe that person can make me feel that way? i guess everything is situational... each person is their own... i know if i ever encounter those feelings again i'll make sure to take the time to appreciate it... not to rush anything... because by stopping and just enjoying the moment is what makes life beautiful... thats what our lives are about right? the moments that we remember...

till then...bein-the-moment...

Being the older brother...

having 3 sisters is tough... making sure that they are all in check with everything... i check in with the littlest one to see if she's done her homework yano that sorta thing... but now that the others are growing up they give me the vibe that i am being overprotective... but i mean what can i say i guess i'm hardwired to do things... maybe i don't want them to make the same mistakes i did... i also try to see the things that i've learned from life and perhaps it will make things easier for them... i guess with any older sibling we feel as if we are supposed to guard them and make sure they stay out of trouble... but i guess i realized that sometimes they just have to learn things on their own... make their own mistakes... because although it sucks but by them making their own mistakes they will learn and perhaps see what i've been trying to do... no question i'll be there for them... but i think they will need me the most when they can't pick themselves up... so for now i'll just watch and hope they make the right choices and just be there to pick them up...

till then...beWatchful...

Making New Friends....

Making new friends is always fun... its like starting a new relationship but only not romantically... its nice to find out that there are people out there just as crazy as you and just as extreme as you... people say with romantic relationships opposites attract but i think that with friendships its people with similar personalities/views/goals/way they live their life... with making new friends there isn't that phase where both people are thinking "hmm does he like me?" , "am i leading her on?" , its very simple and can be fixed with one phrase... "oh we're just friends" =) then at that point even in a male/female friendship the male or the female can call up the other and ask if they want to see a movie, or if they could come hang out... things that would normally throw up red flags to us causing thousands of thoughts of "is he/she interested in me?!"... but they don't simply by the "oh we're just friends" phrase... now i'm not saying that friends don't ever end up dating eachother i actually believe that in every male/female close friend relationship that at one point in the relationship they will find eachother desireable it might be only for a second or for a month, it may not have happened yet or maybe it already has happened. its at these points in the friendship relationship that it has a chance to be thrown into the romantic relationship stage... but its what the person does with those feelings is what makes all the difference... thoughts of "how will this change our relationship", "is it worth losing them as a friend", so from the looks of it, it would seem that a friendship relationship is harder to maintain than a regular romantic relationship... (i'm not actually sure its just my thoughts right now) but who knows... but as for now just enjoy the people and friends around you... lol sorry went out side and its super nice now i can't think =p

till then...beFriendly...

Burning time before a workout...

so i've got some time to kill before i workout lol anyway so i realized that more than 1 person (me) reads this blog lol i realized that at least 2 people read this thing. now just from that fact alone who knows who else reads this... i could be their morning read... or what they read while they are in class - ahem.. you know who you are =p... they could also be someone who i'll never meet or that i've met perhaps one time and just wanted to keep tabs from afar.... a tad creepy but hey its a public blog, its not like i'm posting my social security number and address here! anyway it keeps me motivated to keep writing and updating this thing knowing that eyes other than my own will be ever looking at this... people could be inspired by my blog or their whole routine could be thrown out of whack if the check it and its been the same new post for a week! i've wondered why people blog and i kind of understand it now... its sort of an addiction... i never used to be into it perhaps i had nothing to say or just perhaps i wanted people to read it but never knew that people did... the reason that i started posting alot is because i've had alot on my mind and did not really care if people would read it... i did it for myself... and i guess thats the key... it could be applied to everything... doing things not for others but for yourself... then eventually sooner or later people will gravitate... i guess this is where charisma comes from or where you walk into a room and you know that this person just gives off this vibe where you feel like you should know him or get to know him... i want to be that guy... i want to work to be that guy... the guy that people look at and they can't help but think "hey he seems like a nice guy i want to meet him" ::only not as cheesy lol:: instead of the "oh look at that a-hole standing there lets make fun of him" it all starts with confidence in yourself don't worry about people noticing because they will but you can't fake it you need to do things for yourself to better yourself then your betterness (is that a word?...) will rub off or just come off like an ora... kainda like those axe commercials just not quite as intense lol... anyway i'm not saying that i'm anything like that or how i'm so awesome, i'm actually not that awesome... but i'm trying to get there... we all are... it just takes time...

and for the few readers that do actually read this... thanks :) and i'll try not to let you down!

till then...beAwesome...

sleepless...

its been harder and harder for me to get to sleep early.... is it because there are always a thousand thoughts in my head... a thousand thoughts with each thought having a thousand outcomes and paths that i could take... i need to stop thinking so much... but i can't just turn it off... its just always on... i close my eyes but my mind's awake... always wondering... always wishing... always thinking... i think too much... too much for my own good... i need to put an end to this... but how... i would have to think about it... at least school helps me focus my thoughts for brief moments... but no school now... no classes... no distractions... you just gotta get through the day... we all have our ups... and downs... some more downs than ups... but its getting through the day is what matters... and i guess since its the morning its the start of a new day... i need to surprise myself... i need to show my self up... i need to not think so much... it will rip me apart... so i need to keep being strong... i can do this... its nothing... or everything...

hope you're getting some sleep...

till then...beExtraordinary...

runaway consciousness...

feelings of anxiety...
feelings of happiness...
feelings of loneliness...
feelings of addiction...
feelings of wanting...
feelings of thirst...
feelings of strength...
feelings of clarity...
feelings of hope...
feelings of carelessness...
feelings of nostalgic...
feelings of creativity...
feelings of soreness...

...and that's not even a 1/4 of it...

all at the same time... am i crazy? no... just human... and that can drive us crazy...

we will just have to see what tomorrow brings...

till then... beThoughtful...

By Simply Holding Hands...

ok so this wasn't written by me but i just thought it was beautifully written by my kuya Hersh from his blog All Things Chill i have read it multiple times and every time it strikes a chord in my heart. you can't not read this and relate you just cant so that's why i would like to share it with you.

- hope you don't mind kuya :/

On The Subject Of Holding Hands…

Being in love. It shouldn’t be hard. It may be quite difficult at times, but there should be no reason to constantly worry about your significant other twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. The sad truth is that we will all feel pain, whether it be a secret love that will never be expressed, or a fleeting romance that should really have lasted forever. It’s the truth. It’s the non-stop adventure of being alive. It’s what makes all the good times so much better.

With that being said, one should never view a relationship as something akin to a time-bomb waiting to explode. You’re only wasting your time since it only distracts the heart from receiving warmth. I believe that something truly worthwhile should just happen, rather than be worked on. Effort isn’t the right word… it’s what someone wants to do for that other person that makes things so… easy. There may be doubts, but ultimately, it’s the actions, not words, that shape a once clouded mass of emotion into a heart full of love.

Let’s use holding hands as an example. At first, it can be crazy awkward. Sweaty palms, a swirl of “omg I feel so cheesy” thoughts come to mind. But eventually, it happens… and it sticks. It may have happened before, but I doubt that many people have separated because of it. I mean, it’s a sign of affection. Definitely one of the first ways two souls can touch. How could it be a bad thing? Sure, there are times when it can be taken for granted, but it becomes so blaringly apparent when it’s not there.

When holding hands, a strong link or bond can occur… kinda like a secret language. Giving a tight squeeze while walking down the street to signal your partner to check out the lady with a funny looking hat. A tap of the pointer finger to ask ‘is there something wrong?’ Shifting intertwining fingers “one over” can turn a frown into a smile. Thousands of hidden games of thumb-wrestling while taking a cab ride home. Random hand crushing sessions can have two people laughing out loud for no reason at all. It’s something amazing and unique that two people share.

The beauty of the hand holding language is that it can develops over time. The vocabulary grows with your love. I guess it’s Just another reason to enjoy it while it lasts.

“So don’t let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you’re alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
Before you grow old”

-The Warmth by Incubus

Before you grow old.

~Herschell

now don't tell me this did not strike a chord or even a note in your heart...

you're a brilliant man kuya thanks for everything... although i'll have to take up your offer on pizza if i'm ever in your area! :p

till then...be In the moment...

Mind and Heart...

Its interesting how our mind can play tricks on us… how our minds can make us think things that aren’t even there… or even assume things that aren’t even true… we are in a constant battle with our minds… battling out the things that aren’t true so that we can just keep our head on straight and get through the day. Recently there has been this conversation topic between my friends with longtime girlfriends. Now they say that they have never been this happy in their entire life and they did not think in a million years that someone could make them feel this way. But now since they have been in the relationship for quite some time now they are starting to have other thoughts… thoughts of “could I be happier” or “is there someone out there that could make me feel like this or even better?” in my honest opinion its these questions that get us in trouble… we just have to weigh the facts… ok now so you’re having thoughts of could you be happier? Look at it this way… is it worth losing everything that you have with this person? Is it worth fighting with this person? Is it worth not even being friends with this person? Is it worth cutting this person completely out of your life? If you answered no to these questions then just stop thinking about it because what you have is really good, you should appreciate it and not take it for granted… its that kind of thinking that can get you into serious trouble and cause you to have problems where you don’t even know how to start fixing. It all comes down to if its worth it… and if its not then by all means go for it… everyone deserves to be happy and if you’re not happy there is no point in staying in the relationship… I believe that we don’t know a good thing when we see it or are experiencing it… we don’t know just how good it was until its gone… yes I know its cliché but its true… sometimes we just need a reminder of these things… someone to smack us upside the head and say “hey wtf are you thinking?!” so if you find that your significant other makes you happy, more than anything in the world, don’t lose sight of that, make sure you show them how much you appreciate what they do for you, because your feelings don’t like and your gut instincts don’t lie either. So before you let your mind run away with your thoughts just listen to your gut, as well as your heart, because your mind can twist anything in your favor… tell your significant other that you love them each and every day because sometimes the mind forgets but the heart never does…

till then...beloving...

temporary escape...

its nice to escape, to be free of the troubles that consume you, free of worry, stress, and everything else that brings you down... but its after that escape that all of them come back... perhaps harder than they were before... i guess the longer or harder we try to escape the worse they are when we are taken back... but I'm strong, and this is nothing i can't handle... so I'll continue to escape once in a while knowing full well that it will come back worse because for that moment of escape everything seems worth it to me at least... its the times when i come home is when i remember that at one time my heart weighed nothing... but now it feels so heavy... I'll get through it... i know i can... i need to be strong not just for me but for the other hearts out there that feel like they are dragging a 50lb weight with them... just need to keep focusing on taking in the small victories... rewarding myself for the small accomplishments because if i keep my expectations high then there won't be much celebrating and rewards for myself then whats the point? I guess with more understanding comes less hurt... my bed has never felt as warm as it did before lately I've been cold i don't know why if its because I'm getting old or if its because i sleep in a different position but somethings different... where ever i sleep its just hasn't been as warm as it used to be...

till then...befearless...

taking a step back.....

sometimes we need to just take a step back.... and not let ourselves be confused by the things that bother us the most... things may look like a mess or they don't belong but when we step back and look at the bigger picture its those little messes and things that don't belong that make a beautiful masterpiece... so next time you're feeling down and out of it just remove yourself from the situation and look at the bigger picture even if its not completed yet... its going to be a masterpiece... the hardest part of doing that is simply removing yourself... sometimes i feel like I'm moving through concrete unable to remove myself from the situation... but its possible and the strength is in each and every one of us we just have to find that strength its not a question of if you have it, its a question of do you want to use it...

till then...beStrong...

Homewreckers... (lol sounds bad i know)

relationships are weird... especially the topic of "homewreckers" what makes a homewrecker? just for the sake of example we'll just have the situation be a couple and an outside guy. now if the couple isn't happy with each other and are on the verge of breaking up but the outside guy likes the girl and then they end up dating but only after the couple breaks up (i did not want to deal with infidelity thats a totally different story... ) but anyway why do we make the outside guy the bad guy? why is the guy who was originally with the girl the good guy? what if the outside guy was ment to be with the girl and would make her so much happier, and would end up spending the rest of their lives together? now the "homewrecker" looks like to be the "homemaker" (lol not sure if thats a term but i'm gonna use it) the old saying of all is fair in love and war (and pokemon battles! lol if you watched pokemon as a kid like i did) but joking aside the way i see it from a "technical" standpoint anything is fair game unitl the girl has a ring on her finger. ok i know what you're thinking... you're probally thinking that i'd be a homewrecker and honestly thats not my style :p but it is also very situational alot of things need to be considered. was the outside guy and the girl good friends before? were they in a relationship before she met someone new? just things like that. i know some people who don't belive in destiny they think its "bullshit" they told me that if i want something to happen then i gotta just get out there and do it myself but i believe in that too. a wise man once told me (my dad) that "god dosent help people who don't help themselves" and that has never rung more true in my head he told me that when i was a child and i have never forgotten it. i believe in destiny but i don't think people should rely in destiny or fate or god 100% i believe that you need to do what you gotta do and that last bit of (whatever it is that will get you to your goal or what you need) destiny or fate or god will help you see to that. i believe that not everything is written and you can't rely on if it is ment to be then it will be because if you don't do anything to push yourself in that direction then not even god can help you (lol the not even god can help you sounded so forceful but its true!) going back to what i'm saying (sorry for the crazy tangent) but lets say you were the outside guy/girl and were interested in the other girl/guy already in a relationship you should do what you feel like you should do. now i'm not saying everyone should go out and try to steal eachothers girlfriend and boyfriend that decision is up to each person, i'm just saying that each person should be given the opportunity to live a life without regret because they could have missed out on something great. so next time you see a situation similar to this just take a step back and really see whats going on really see the intentions of everyone involved before making some sort of judgement over oh he/she's just a homewrecker because for all you know the couple to begin with isnt even happy with eachother that guy/girl could be their saving grace you just never know. this closley relates to something that i've said before in a pevious entry of how we plan and god laughs. we just never know what life is going to bring us we just have to make decisions that will make us happy. not sure if any of this made any sense... its just whats going on in my mind who knows my thoughts on this could change by tomorrow so i'm writing it down now...

till then...beRandom...

True Friends...

there's something that i've noticed about the friends that i have, some being just acquaintances others being study buddies, and then there's the pour your heart out too/always there for you friends. these friends are worth keeping, something that i've noticed with some of my friends is that i wont see them for what feels like ages but then once i'm in their company its as if we only saw each other yesterday. now i don't have this with just anyone its just the select few, its nice i try to keep in touch with these friends, its these friends that will help you through anything its these friends who wont judge you no matter what situation you're in. now it doesn't matter how long you've been friends, i've made friends who ive been friends with for years and friends that i've only known for a couple of months and i've already felt this connection with them, not trying to be gay unless you want me to :p anyway if you're reading this then you probably already know if you are one of the select few.. i'd just like to say thanks... thanks for everything i mean it :)

till then...beFriendly...

Many Hands Make Light Work...

so today i decided to help keith fix his fence in his backyard jun came later to help us out, it only took us about an hour to fix it in what previously took keith 3 days! (keep in mind you for those of you that know keith would only understand this) but yeah it only took us 1 hour which was awesome all of the digging, cement mixing, nailing, screwing got the fence up in not time i was proud of our work. keeping on this productive scheme i asked if they wanted to help me cut my grass so we went over to my neighbors house to ask if we could borrow their lawn mower and so we had 2! so you guessed it it took us half the time it would normally take me to cut my grass we got it done in about an hour! it was awesome. we finished off the day eating with my family pizza and Chinese food lol but yeah this has been the first real productive day since the last day of fall semester haha makes me feel good to see the fruits of my labor :)

till then...beProductive...

Plans...

We all make plans, I've made plans, plans to do this, plans to do that, but I've herd the saying somewhere not sure where it came from but it goes something like this "we plan, god laughs" i would consider myself a somewhat religious person that i believe in god n such but the short saying rings some truth.

Alot of things that i've planned for have had a turn for the best and the worst but ultimatly we just never know whats going to happen. if there's anything that i've learned for experience, life, friends, and family its to live life with out regrets i know it sounds cliche but its true. if you feel like doing something you should go ahead and do it (within the realms of the the law of course) because if i ever just went with my plan or just went with what would be best i would have missed out on some of the best parts of my life. In the end i would like to look back on my life and say yeah i did everything that i wanted and the path that i have chose was the best possible path for my life. life's about being happy right? so i'm going to do the things that make me happy BUT being happy or getting to be happy isnt always easy things are never easy (i'm sure you're like yeah yeah i've heard all of this before life is hard) but its true i've never realized how hard life could get until now. my mind racing so fast with my thoughts at night causing me to think of everything and anything. thoughts of love, friendship, careers, family, i feel like i know what to do and what i want with life but then again the saying of how we plan and god laughs still lingers in my mind.

i just hope that god dosent have too much fun laughing (but then again his help is always welcome)

till then...bethoughtful...

a brighter day...

ok sorry for the super last emo post...

emoness aside i've done alot of thinking i mean A LOT of thinking... thinking is in my blood how can i not right?

anyway i'm feeling a lot better now, not my best but better now. i understand what needs to happen and understand what i need to do with my life.

i have family counting on me, friends counting on me, and most importantly myself counting on me

i have goals, goals of finishing up school within the year so that my parents will be proud of me and wont have to pay multiple tuitions since my sisters are entering college

so no more parties (well i mean significantly less) no more wasting time and just "getting by" instead of getting by i need to get through it.

i've been having feelings of constriction, i'm tired of school i need to be done with it already. i want to get out of DeKalb i want to get out of my home town just to somewhere where i can start fresh somewhere new i mean i love my home towns and my family but i feel like i'm not free. life is about being free aint it?

i figure that i should take this time to put some goals down so that i can look back to see if i have accomplished them.

1. be at optimum physical health (since i have a mild case of high blood pressure)
- 1 mile a day
2. graduate school by spring of 2010
3. get a decent career and help my parents pay for my sisters college (of course if i can afford it)
- i mean i won't sacrifice living in a box lol
4. to not forget to have fun in life
- taking time to "stop and smell the roses"

i just need to take things one day at a time...

till then...beStrong...