starting over again.... maybe...

its harder than you think... i over think... finding the right words to say... trying to not come on too strong... do i smell... my hands are sweaty... my voice is slightly shaky... i can cover up my nervousness... but is it enough... will it be enough... will me trying to cover up my nervousness make it that much easier to see right through me... perhaps... i guess it helps because we are on the same boat... i guess it helps that we have experienced the same things... kind of... maybe that doesn't help... i pray i don't get tired of trying... each time i feel like i'm so close... but have no idea of where the end is... where the end is just the beginning... i'm probably not making sense... i guess that's expected these types of situations will do that... it causes you to not make sense... to question yourself... when you really should not... just be yourself i keep telling myself... but what if myself isnt good enough... it has to be good enough... regardless i should just dive in... i'm gonna need some help... not sure if i'll be able to do it all on my own... i want to feel wanted... who knows perhaps i'm just making things bigger than they really are... i guess i just need to step back... assess the situation... and take things as they come... for the mean time just try to be me... although even that right now seems to be a challenge... why is it like that... why is it this way...

similar surroundings yet new experiences...

soooo had Mojitos last night my friend was kind enough to have me experience them for the first time... not bad at all its a very nice chill drink... just make sure you use a cheesecloth or some sort of strainer so that some of the mint leaves find their way up through your straw and into your mouth... it also lessens the appearance of you drinking water out of your fish tank lol... but it was really good! i've been trying to find some lowtop lace less chucks here in columbia but no luck... the mall is "SUPER HUGE" here haha... maybe i'll find some somewhere else... i need something to go with my shorts! lol and its not always awesome to wear flip flops all the time.... bought a new fragrance today at macys with another close friend she did not have to save lives at the hospital today so while her roommates were making copies at kinkos and selling ad-space around town we went shopping lol... always a good time :) she ended up getting a fragrance as well but did not find it in her heart to buy those other gladiator sandals... perhaps next time... i kind of want to bbq today but have a vegetarian bbq haha... yeah i know it sounds crazy... but fire up the grill throw on some boca burgers, mushrooms, peppers, other random veggies and you've got yourself a solid meal... not to mention we could also try a round 2 of the mojitos again :) its nice being out of my usualness... don't worry for all of ya who miss me back or perhaps you don't even miss me at all lol i'll be back faster than you can say Tony Danza Extravaganza Backyard Bonanza 10 times fast :p

till then...beOpen-to-new-things...

Surprise for a good friend...

so i woke up this morning at like 6:30 packed the night before so that i would be able to surprise one of my good friends... she works at kinkos and that's where i'm posting from haha... i came early because i wanted to get some solid hanging out time and plus i was about ready to explode from boredom at home... so yeah not really sure what we're gonna do... perhaps shop... or... just hang around... just being in a different place feels nice... it was weird driving up here... everything seemed very familiar... but then again at the same time it all felt new again... not quite sure how to explain it... its like you know that you've been there before a couple of times but this time its different... oh well i'm sure it will probably hit me later... but nevertheless i'm excited to be here :) i'm excited for some special popcorn... some american tail... some columbian eats (the city not the country lol) and just some of the things that i guess i missed from this town... i also just want to kick it with some friends that i havent seen in a while...

till then...be Spontaneous...

waiting for my laundry... (again..)

while waiting for my laundry i texted one of my friends for something to blog about now mind you this very good friend of mine knows me quite well and they suggested "Having hope, great friends, being happy with what you are doing and not being afraid of the future" i can honestly say that i've been having a bit more hope lately... but its scary... too much hope can bring you so far up than when you fall you'll fall so hard it will hurt so bad... i guess i've been cautious with my feelings... trying not to experience the extremes... of being too happy... or too sad... just staying at a happy median... i find myself playing it safe... doing things by the book... and i guess there is a time in everyones life where these things need to be done... maybe i'll be more of a risk taker again... maybe not who knows... but one thing i do have is great friends... friends who will be there for me... friends who i can say that without them i would not have been able to pick myself up... friends who i owe more than what i make at michales lol... but i guess i used to be afraid of what would happen to me... what my future holds... whats supposed to be... whats written... if its even written... if i said that i wasn't scared of the future i would be lying... but i have strength in myself... to be able to handle whatever the future throws at me... because i know i'll always have my support from my friends and family... now i realize that sometimes i may have to make the journey alone... and that's ok with me... sometimes when you are the most alone is where you really learn things about yourself... learn things you would have never known... and in the end when everything is all said and done it makes you a better, stronger person... i've always been a bit religious and i believe that god doesn't give us anything that we can't handle... so the next time you're thinking about the future and you're terrified there's no need to be... just take things one day at a time... focus on the small victories... you got this... i got this... we got this...

till then...beFearless... like the Taylor Swift song lol =p

having someone listen....

its always nice to find that someone who will listen to you... someone who understands you... who gets how you think... its nice when the both of you are on the same page... you end up learning a lot from each other... helping each other... two heads are always better than one... sometimes its nice for someone else to tell you whats in your head without you telling them... its sort of affirms your decisions to do things... sort of that hey look they think this too we both can't be wrong... and i think it works... sometimes i wonder why people pick me to open up to... or how i pick the people to open up to... then i had an abstract thought... what if somehow we were able to sense like minds... be able to sense another person and just know that they will have similar views... like a 7th sense cuz i guess there is a 6th already lol but i honestly believe that somehow someway that the way we select who to open up to depends on something that we cant see... feel... or even imagine it just happens... we gravitate toward those people... perhaps its what keeps us in check... perhaps its what keeps us from going insane... perhaps its a necessary part of us being human... whatever it is i like it and i hope you keep an open heart and mind because only then you will be able to gravitate...

till then...beThere...

when i grow up i wanna be...

ok well i know now... like today i know exactly what i want to do for the rest of my life... (career wise) all from this 5 minute experience... crazy i know, but i'll explain... ok so i woke up at 5am this morning to drive down with my mom to the county hospital where she works at, she knows this oral surgeon who knows his stuff and could hook me up with my teeth haha... anyway (side note) knowing someone who works at a hospital REALLY cuts down the wait time to like... nothing lol... i kainda felt bad for cutting in front of everyone but hey if you know someone who works there they bump you up to the top haha... anyway after all of that i was walking out to the main entrance with my mom when these two people came out to the elevator... a woman who seemed to be in her mid to late twenties, and a man in what seemed to be of the same age... my mom had already started a conversation with them... as i approached them i could already tell who they were... their nice business casual attire... their leather messenger bags... both very clean looking yet at the same time very friendly... it could be only one thing... reps... my mom always told me about the representatives that go to the hospital that would try to sell instruments and other sorts of things to the hospital... they were awesome... by just observing their conversation with my mom i could just tell that their main priority was putting their clients first... i got excited seeing them talk... seeing them in action... its what i wanted to do... its exactly what i wanted to do... i want to be the PR guy... the guy who says "let me take you out to lunch and we'll talk it over"... after they left my mom told me that they did indeed take her out to lunch a couple of times since shes in charge of some of the hospital expenses but anyway she said that the girl was a communications major! which gave me hope because since my major is Organizational and Corporate Communications its exactly what i wanted to get into... just one more year... i'll be able to get out there... it will be awesome... i can't wait... it will be awesome...

till then...beDetermined...

a gloomy day..

today was quite nice in the morning then it became all gloomy i have no idea why i hope it does not rain on keith's "Tony Danza Extravaganza Backyard Bonanza" cuz i mean it would just ruin it haha but they have done it before so we will just have to see... i'm prolly gonna go for a bit to say hi a friend of mine is leaving for the military and i guess its gonna be one of his last chances to kick it before he gets booted off... for it being a gloomy day i can say that my mood doesn't reflect the weather so that's always a good thing right? i needed to cut the grass today but decided not to so i guess i will be punished with wet grass tomorrow... but i guess we will just have to see...

oh here's a pic of some bro-sis love =p (it was my sisters prom yesterday... oh prom... lol)
till then... beCRAAAZY...

Getting Married...

i've noticed that there has been alot of talk about weddings around me lately next week a friend who works at michaels with me will be sealing the deal with his fiance. i guess that and how everyone knows at michaels so people talk about their wedding and rings, how they proposed/got proposed to that sorta thing. it made me think of how i would propose to my special someone... well of course i would not say here haha i guess you'll just have to find out later =p anyway me and my friend were talkin and he told me that he was gettin nervous about the whole getting married thing. here's what i told him i asked him 1. do you love her? of course he said yes... then i asked him 2. can you see your life without her? he said no... then he said "ben, i can hear the cell door close on me... when she puts that ring on my finger thats the sound i'm gonna hear... the sound of cell doors closing and locking" after that i thought for a second then i asked him this question... now if the cell doors are going to close anyway sooner or later who would the one person you would want to have the key to those doors? and he's like well of course my fiance... so i was like well there you go don't be nervous you love her she loves you, you've been dating and engaged for some time now its just another step... i'm not sure if i reali made him less nervous i hope i did i mean its kainda cute seeing guys like that it makes me think of the things i would do... how i would feel... would i be nervous? prolly just cuz i'm human... would i be scared? no because if i decide to propose to my princess i would have already been in it for the long haul... but i mean i know this kainda stuff is going to be still in my future not super far but i mean its there... nothing wrong with dreaming right?...

till then...beBrave...

just my thoughts...

trying to not get ahead of myself... i should sleep... work tom... church tom... today was a good day... and i think tonight will be a restful night... i hope your nights are restful... and to these people...

harry... stop playing wow
mark... just go to sleep i know you're awake
keith... well if you just woke up then don't sleep but if you haven't slept sleep!
justin... let me guess.... either psp or watching late night anime...
carlo... i won't even bother cuz you're always awake
dane... i hope you're not playing wow
spencer... you're prolly looking at this in the morning so good morning

and if i didn't mention you its not that i don't think about you its just that you're prolly sleeping right now haha so sweet dreams =p

till then...beRandom...

Battery Draining Conversations...

you know when your conversation is going well when your phone starts beeping at you, you look to see if its a text message but then you see your battery indicator is blinking red haha that's exactly what happened to me tonight :) its always nice to reconnect with old friends... well not reconnect but more of just re-affirming the friendship... i think if i was not so tired i would actually talk till the morning lol well we could talk till the morning about anything and everything... its heartwarming to know that nothing has changed in the relationship... its these friends that i see at my wedding, part of the wedding party, at my first child's baptism, family parties, just being around for a long time... because when these friends grow old with us and someday have kids we will be able to tell them... oh i knew your mother back when we went to college together! lol and then we would reminisce while the kids would run away and do what children do lol but on a more serious note i'm truly blessed to have friends like these, friends who will help me through my hardest days, and celebrate with me during my life triumphs... i hope to make more friends like this although i think i'm pretty content with what i have now... i guess you could say i'm not really looking for other serious friendship relationships haha but i would never turn down the chance :)

till then...beLoving...

abrupt awakening...

i just... woke up... just now... i was sleeping... and i just woke up.... its 2:30am... i had no reason to wake up... no alarm... no sounds... i fell asleep around 11pm... then i just woke up... i felt weird... it was as if someone woke me up... or i had a dream that woke me up and i did not remember/realize what the dream was about... who knows... my mind is running away with reasons to why this happened... i guess if i post it here i may or may not get an answer...

till then... be...I-Have-No-Idea...

i'm not crazy i'm just a little restless...

i've been having this constant feeling of getting out... going away... getting away... away from here... away from my natural surroundings... and when i get the chance of changing my life to get out of my surroundings that have been around me for 16 years i'm going to get out like like a bat out of hell... maybe because i'm getting older who knows... i've always thought that i might stay in the same place but now its different... now that i've spent alot of time in the place that i said i would be in... i've gotten very bored with it... its all the same... i want something different... something new... i'm ready for new experiences... i'm ready for things to change... although they won't change right now... so i guess i'll just have to deal... we all have to deal... i guess it just depends on how we deal... i've talked to my cousin who used to live here then moved to seattle to start new... to start fresh... not gonna lie he's kind of my idol... i guess its like a secret love from afar ::without sounding creepy:: lol... but seriously the things he does... the new places... the new experiences that he has in places other than here... i've been to the sears tower more times than i can count... i've been to the lake so many times... all the touristy spots in and around my area i've done... at least twice... i guess thats what life is about finding and making your own path... i guess we as people want to look back and say hey look what i did... and be proud of our acomplishments... instead of people coming up to you saying... hey you're still here wow i thought you would be somewhere else by now... i'd want people coming up to me saying... hey have i seen you before... and i would respond with no i just moved into the area... that would be awesome... but i guess for now i just have to supress these feelilngs of escape... feelings of running away to a new place... maybe its cuz i live in the storage room in the basement... who knows i feel like i'm only at 50%... 100% of the time... perhaps i am crazy... or just a little restless...

till then...beFree...

Vividness...

dreams are very weird to me... i'm not much of a dreamer... usually i never dream... but lately i have been having dreams that are vivid... so vivid they don't seem like dreams... its as if its truly happening to me in real life... i don't know if its my mind playing a cruel joke on me... or perhaps its just my mind helping me... my mind helping itself take its mind off whats happening in reality... i mean for the duration of the dream i'm in a state of comfort... i'm not worried... i'm happy... it brings a whole new meaning to escaping in your dreams... this experience is just so new to me... i've never had anything like it before its almost unreal... well it is unreal... sometimes i don't like to wake from those dreams... because then i'm suddenly hit with reality... the realness of life... you can't fast forward in life... but i guess you can in your dreams... i've always wondered if two people or even more can find each other in their dreams... to make that connection... i've heard of stories where twins will feel the other twin when they are in pain or if something tragic happens to them they will get this feeling as if they are connected... now there has to be something to that... there just has to be some sort of connections that we make with each other... and perhaps if the conditions are better than ideal people can find each other in their dreams... tell them how they really feel... give each other comfort... letting the other know that they are still there... and will always be there... even though they may not ever say it out loud in real life... so i guess i'll just take these dreams as they come i mean i can't decide if i want to dream it just happens... perhaps the connection of two minds or a collection of hears is what makes it work... but it could also be all in my head... but there is no fun in that... i can dream right?...

till then...beConnected...

Somewhere Being Nostalgic...

when i was a child my all time favorite movie was An American Tail its this movie about these rats/mice making the journey to America. well i used to sing to this song somewhere out there all the time and my mom still tells me stories about how i would watch this movie so much she would get annoyed lol but she always thought it was so cute when i would sing haha... yeah i'm a mama's boy lol and what?! anyway just thought i'd share the song with you its not long but i guess if you have seen pictures of me when i was little then you could probably imagine how i sounded lol... well i guess i just never stopped singing cartoon songs lol oh well...oh here's a pic of me and my mom, this is actually the picture that i framed and gave it to her for mothers day :)



Lyrics:
somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlingt
someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

somewhere out there there's someone saying a prayer
that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

and even tho i know how very far apart we are
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

and when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

somewhere out there if love can see us throuh
then we'll be together somewhere out there

out where dreams come true...

hope you enjoyed the song like i still do :p

till then...beNostalgic...