late night studying...

decided to take a break from studying to blog a bit... i'm sitting on the couch with a cup of Arizona green tea and a lean pocket while reading over my notes for my exam tomorrow (Rhetorical Theory)... yeah i know sounds crazy... the background is the soft sounds of Taylor Swift's first album lol... i'm finding it hard to concentrate these days... not that i'm slacking... i guess i just spend more time studying when i could get it done in half the amount of time... in the past week i've had 3 other tests and i have a paper coming up this week... then work for the weekend... i'm getting a feel on how each teacher is going to test me so that's always good... i can adjust my study habits to do better on the exams... its almost winter time... and well holidays are coming up... Halloween... Thanksgiving... Christmas... not really looking forward to the holidays... i guess it would just be more of a downer and a reminder... but well i guess i can make the best of it... it only brings back memories... it doesn't look like this year i'll be coordinating costumes... or making plans for any sort of travel... i've gotten so used to traveling in the past years it feels weird when a break or a holiday comes around and i'm not making any plans to travel... i guess things change... for better or for worse i have no idea... i guess the only good news is that the semester is going by fast... pretty soon midterms will be rolling around and then i'll be looking at scheduling my last semester... i talked with some of my roommates of what i wanted to do after graduating... we all had different answers... although me and one of my roommates had the same idea... the both of us wanted to get out of dekalb and out of Illinois... and well that's what i'm gonna do... not sure how but i'll find a way... that's what its all about anyway right? finding a way... i love my family but i don't think i could ever move back home... i've gotten so used to living on my own... and sometimes i find that weekends are too long to spend with my family... but i'm sure they understand... because its not like i love them any less... well its getting late and i should probably get back to studying if you're reading this i hope you have or have had a good day...

till then...beDriven...

meaningless efforts?

i'm beginning to think...
that maybe you don't like my company anymore...
maybe your feelings have changed... mine haven't...
i'm never surprised with a text from you...
a letter...
a call...
or even an email...
maybe you're trying to write me off...
hoping i'll go away...
maybe you've found someone new...
i hope he's wonderful...
10x more wonderful than i could ever be...
i still think about whats going on between us...
but find myself without answers...
so i've just stopped looking for answers...
all i have now is hope...
hope for us...
i've been told its a waste of time to hope...
i don't care...
i wish i knew what you were hoping for...
if we had the same hopes...
i guess i just miss your friendship is all...

enjoying good company...

its nice to have a buddy... a buddy who picks you up and takes you to class... someone who will share their lunch with you... someone who texts you to make sure you make it to class... although they themselves are always late so you have to save a seat for them... its also nice having people save seats for you... knowing that even tho i'm always getting to class a min before it starts i'll know there's a seat saved for me... before i used to go to class... not talk to anyone... and just leave... but i've found that its easier to get to class when you know people will be waiting for you... or people will be wondering where you are... perhaps grab lunch after classes... or head back to the apartment and cram that little bit before the exam and complain about how screwed we are... its nice... i guess that's mainly the reason i've been finding less and less time to blog... but i'll still try to blog every day mostly because i think that someone somewhere that may or may not know me might be reading this wanting to know more about me granted i hope they aren't creepy stalkers lol... but anyway i think i'm gonna hit the hay... i've also been trying this sleeping at midnight thing... and getting more sleep haha...

goodnight moon...

familiar grounds... (not really making sense...)

its nice talking to an old friend... not just a how's the weather talk... but a good "here's whats going on in my life" talk... i guess its good to feel like your still wanted... even if it is just to bring bumming news... but i'll get over it... small steps right? i guess i can decipher from the conversation that we're still wanting to be in each others lives but at the same time... it feels as if the other would be perfectly content if i "happened" to just fizzle out or dissolve out of their lives... not intentionally of course... where our memories just turn into thoughts of... "well it would not have worked out anyway"... but i believe this won't happen... well... i hope this won't happen... i just think it would be so sad to come face to face and say to each other "well it was fun while it lasted" shake hands and go our separate ways... maybe its just me having a rough day... maybe... the subtle ways i know you still care... the ways you put emphasis on certain words in our conversation... as if to make sure i know that you're hinting at something important... maybe i read into things too much... i'm not sure what you're going through... well i don't even know what i'm going through... i guess we're just getting through... if we find each other at the end of this long dark and cold tunnel then great... if not i'll make sure to make a fire for you at the exit to warm you up... i just hope the memories as our clothing keep us warm through this journey... we're going to need it... well at least i know i will...

yeah i don't know if any of this makes sense... but somehow everything does in my mind... sometimes...

it's just what i do...

how do i do it... i was asked today how do i do the things i do... recently i've come to meet this girl named pam... she's awesome and funny and we have alot in common... she also has a boyfriend but not boyfriend (i'll explain) who lives far away in the UK... she's always talking about how hot other guys are... or how she goes on other "dates" with these other guys... but she assures me nothing goes on... which i believe... i believe that her heart is still very much attached to "UK" (i'll just refer to the guy as UK like she does) we have at least one class every day with each other... sometimes i'll catch her writing down UK's name in her notebook... it's nice... and makes me happy... not just for her but it also gives me hope... because maybe somewhere someone might be writing my name in a notebook... she's told me once that you know who your heart wants by who you think about at night... it's always been the same for me... she was the one who asked me how i do the things i do... we were on our way back to my apartment... i picked her up from class cuz she sometimes takes naps on our living room couch in between classes since she commutes... but she mentioned that she thinks UK's alot like me... and she asked me how i do it... i did not really give a response i sort of just said... well i don't know i guess its just how i am... i'm usually a good judge of what i want to do and sticking to it... i asked her why they didn't, her and UK give each other the "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" title and what she said made sense... she said it would just cause the both of them more pain... but they do still talk when they can and say i love you to each other... and its cute... i really hope they will work things out... and i believe that they will... its hard to watch two people that want to be together but can't... but its harder knowing what it feels like first hand... but people like pam are proof that love can still survive in hearts that are far away... even if he or she is talking about how hot the person is sitting next to them... after all i believe she knows what she wants... and there isnt anything wrong with a little eye candy in the mean time... lol... but more seriously i'm getting used to this... understanding what needs to happen... how i need to act... although i know my heart is ready to just jump in and run away with my feelings... i have to hold it back... to keep it... until the time is perfect... i've always thought that it wouldn't matter if my heart crashed because i could always recover... but i forget that whenever hearts crash its usually two... and having to have someone else feel that pain would be worse... so when the time is perfect... i think i'll know... if not i'm sure my heart will remind me...

you don't win the girl over just once...

people forget (including me) that you just don't win the girl over once... you need to keep winning over her heart... yeah yeah she might say that she'll love you no matter what you do... this was made clear to me recently with well the relationship my parents have... being a communications major i started paying attention to the way the people around me interact with each other... why people act the way they do... and trying to apply that to a theory that has already been discovered... or a theory of my own... now it doesn't have to be extravagant in order for you to win over the love of your life over and over again... its the little things... if there's one thing that my dad taught me (well he's taught me a lot of things most of them without him actually teaching me) was to not be lazy... with anything... yeah we have our lazy days but whenever things needed to get done in the house he would get it done... although it would perhaps take a bit of time... and reminding from my mom but i mean he would get it done... and it would not be in any way half-assed... recently i've seen him doing alot of things for my mom such as painting their room/stairway/hallway/other rooms/house lol... he won't care what color it is cuz that's my mom's department so its kind of nice i guess you could say its my dad winning over my mom again... and as i look back on things that i have observed with their relationship i could see that yeah my dad had done alot of things for my mom not just because she's the boss =p but because he understood that in order to keep his marriage for so long he would have to keep winning over the girl... now i'm not saying that husbands or boyfriends should be a slave to their wives or girlfriends... since women are naturally affectionate... we need to remember to show them in our way that they are special... not just the first time... or when you get into a fight... but also for no reason at all... just as a little reminder... there is no action too small for her to notice because believe me they will notice... and that's what makes all the difference...

exhausted....

you know the feeling when your body feels tired but your mind isnt? well that's what i feel right now... i should prolly go to sleep... slowly getting used to these 8am's.... although i do like the breakfast in the morning :)

why long distance relationships don't work...

long distance relationships work for a while... but eventually one of the two people will have to make a decision... i've learned that there is no substitute for having someone there... they don't even have to be doing anything... by just being there makes all the difference... they physical aspect of relationships play a big part... little things such as having dinner together... or knowing that your special someone will be there when you get home... or being able to meet up with a significant other for a quick lunch or weekend brunch makes it all the difference... they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder... but that's only to a certain extent... being in a long distance relationship is hard... its painful... up until now i did not realize how much one could be hurting the other one... not by being mean... or treating them badly... you could be doing everything perfect... but we all have our breaking points... where the pain just isn't worth it... and that's completely understandable... the pain of missing the one that you love most dear... the pain of wanting to just hug or to fall asleep in their lap after a long day... no words need to be said... just having their presence around makes all the difference... i know now how hard this is... where once i would ask to just hold on for a little bit longer... not realizing that the other has been already holding on for a long time now... does this mean i'm giving up... no... i've made my decision... and i'm sticking to it... because if distance and a short amount of time in my life is standing in the way of me being truly happy... its a chance i'm willing to take... i know now why people do the things they do... how one may be purposely keeping their distance so as to not fall in love and then be stuck in the situation of missing... and longing... for the other... yes i've found comfort with close friends... and for the period of when the two of us are in that constant limbo of keeping contact but not too much so as to stir up feelings which ultimately end up with us falling for each other again only to make each other sad and miserable because of the distance... so for now i'm content with the way things are... this is what needs to happen... yes i'm fully aware that there isn't a 100% chance that things will turn out the way i hope they would after closing the gap... and i know it won't be as simple as starting from where we left off... but once the time and place are right... where we won't have to worry about how starting up a new relationship will make us sad... it will be easier to fall in love all over again... it will just happen... before i thought that maybe perhaps falling in love would never just happen between us... but now i can see that as a possibility... but as for right now i need to focus on the bigger picture... to stop asking so many questions... to live in the now because what we do now counts more than what we think we will do in the future... maybe our hearts are forever intertwined i do not know... maybe our hearts are destined to find love in another... i cannot say... but i can't focus or think about what my heart will be doing in the future... i just have to see what my heart feels today... what it feels right now... and go from there... and maybe one day i'll be there for that special someone... waiting with dinner made... fresh flowers... after a long day at work... and she'll be there for me when i just want to give her a hug... or see a movie... make plans that don't require us to plan weeks in advance... a quote from a song keeps ringing in my head... "what will it take to make or break this hint of love?... we need time, only time..."... i think that's exactly what we need right now... time...

till then...beInsightful...

oh btw... feel free to feed the fish ---> they might be hungry but they don't remember lol

building up the courage...

so i really haven't sang on camera and posted for all the world to see but i guess i'm just going to go for it and not really care about what other people think... hopefully it does not turn into a horrific experience lol anyway keep an eye out for that... won't give any hints yet on what i'm about to play but you bet my first cover is gonna be Taylor Swift lol...

till then...beCourageous...

thoughts from the salwater room...

feelings of excitement... joy... memories i'll never forget... i don't wish for times to be like the way they were before... i just want to find what i had again... sometimes i think that maybe she's waiting for me... because i'll be waiting for her... its a chance that i can't afford not to take... no matter what the road we take to get there... if its long and winding... filled with some sad days... with its mixture of happy days... sometimes i think that the seed of love that we planted in each other together lay dormant in our hearts... awaiting the perfect moment to sprout... because as for now i just need to protect that seed in hopes that she too is also protecting it for the perfect moment... like with life we cannot rush anything... i think we will just know... i hope we will just know... because for now regardless of whats going on between us we both need to remain focused on being happy...



"what will it take to make or break this hint of love?... we need time, only time..."

Labor Day Weekend...

went to St. Louis Missouri to hang out for labor day weekend and had lots of fun =] late night wii with the kids, food all the time, 6 flags glow in the park parades, water rides, coasters, awesome home cooked meals, more wii, got a chilly willy plush character =p cheaper by the dozen in the van, oh and more home cooked meals, it was def on the top of my best weekends ever! but right now i'm tired... drove from St. Louis,MO to Carol Stream, IL then to DeKalb, IL.... alot of driving (oh not counting the 2 hrs i was lost... lol) but the drive never bothered me its the time that you spend with the people at your destination is what matters... there are many ways to get there but once you're there it makes your trip worth it... i'd make the trip a thousand times and then some if it meant being this happy... well i'm super tired so i'll post more about my weekend later but for now just enjoy the nice picture of chilly willy =p i'll get an actual pic up soon =]

till then...beHappy...

not what you would expect....

i heard this song a while back driving in my car and well i liked it alot... then i forgot about it for a while then heard it again... like any song i become fascinated with i looked up the video which caused me to love it even more... its full of things you would not expect... i see it all around me why couples are couples and why she's dating her or why he's dating her that sorta thing... but well i guess this video is sort of telling the guys that don't look like the people on the bags of abercrombie that you don't need to look like that to find an awesome relationship... its the quirks... the little things... the way he or she makes you laugh... or the way they get you or how you get them... that's what makes for a good relationship...



till then...beFallin...

the people around you... (and other things)

its interesting now that i've been meeting new people in my classes... maybe i've had it all wrong all these past couple of years... before i used to not worry or make an effort to making friends in my classes... to just go in... sit down... listen to the lecture... and leave... pay no mind to who the person was sitting next to me... i find it easier to go to class when i know i'll have people there to complain about being in class with me... so in all of my classes i tend to try to make an effort to get to know the other people around me... its nice... to where i can find people who are experiencing the same or similar things as me... not just school related but also non school related... it makes for good conversation and well good friendships... like today a friend from class called me at 9:30am to remind me that we had to look over the notes because there may be a quiz today over some material and even offered to give me a ride as well as some starbucks =] which is also good... it really made my morning although we were a couple minutes late for class but it was all good lol... its these things that i have found that i think i'll need to keep me going when its half way through the semester and mid-terms are coming and homework and readings are coming at me full force... i guess its better so that i don't feel like the only one studying... i get excited for my classes and more excited for hanging out with the people in my classes... it may sound cheesy but i don't care lol...

Car stuffs...

so i need to replace my rotors and brakes, they came in and is just waiting for me to put them on =] i'll try to get before and after pictures so that you'd be able to see my awesome job =] oh! and just got something for the exterior of my car some of you will notice it and some wont i guess you'd have to be a car person or really know my car haha but i'm also excited for that! i'll see if i can post pix of that too =]

Computer stuffs...

so i'm trying to get vista and xp to dual boot on my desktop... bought a video card recently should be getting to me shortly now i can finally do that hybrid sli thing with my motherboard =] i'm tempted to get more ram so that i'd be running on 8gb! lol but we'll see.... money isn't exactly pouring in....

till then...beFilled-IN!

songs to bump in your car...

summer is winding down... and days of driving with your windows down feeling the wind and turning up the radio are getting more scarce every day... but this one song makes for a great way to close off the summer =] and yes you bet i'm gonna bump this in my car i don't care who hears it!




till then...beLoud!