New Everything...

i feel as if everything has changed... of course i've kept the same friends from before... well the ones that really mattered... but its like i'm trying to get used to something different... something brand new... its kind of exciting... but then at the same time i just hope i don't mess up... what if i can't handle it... i guess right now is the perfect time to find out... to see what i'm really made of... to see how far i can push myself... trying to find time for a life with work... work... and work... i mean holding 3 jobs sounds crazy... i guess i should be saving money... although there are new things... new experiences that i'm excited for... just new... i'm ready to step out of the ordinary... to experience something new... and go with it... lets see what happens...


till then...beNew...

A Complicated Situation...

feeling torn... between things... all things... it may be just because i'm tired... who knows... is there a chance?... or is it just the liquid confidence talking... feelings... i haven't felt in a long time... how do i know if they are true... if they are the real deal... or am i fooling myself... i never doubted my feelings until now... maybe i just need a reminder... some kind of reassurance... i've been out of the game for what seems like eternity... and here it is... pops into my lap... and i'm not quite sure what to do with it... i wish things were different... well no i take it back... i think things happened exactly as they were supposed to... i don't like mixed signals... confusion... but then again there's no way to know for sure unless certain steps are taken... i must be careful... i don't want to ruin it... everything seems so welcoming... but at the same time mysteriously shut... i want to just say it out loud... just so that a reaction can be analyzed... i guess we'll just have to wait and see...

till then beComplicated...

Blizzard Aftermath

After the blizzard i'm glad to have witnessed it... after playing in the snow well shoveling it first lol i felt like a kid again... i remember when i was young i would play out in the snow for hours... i would sometimes just lie there... half buried in the snow looking up at the sky... the sun was hot on my face and my body warm from being overly bundled by my mom of course haha... it was nice i didn't have worries then... i didn't think about the future... or the past... i lived in the moment... just watching the clouds go by and thinking to myself how peaceful this is and how i wish i could take that and bottle it up and save it for later... i don't find myself finding those moments these days... lately its been waking up... going to work... going home... and eating at each of the respective times... i try to look for things... adventures... chances to break the cycle... people to meet... friends to spend time with... and just taking the time out of my day to play... today i didn't have snow pants on... had the wrong gloves... the wrong shoes... but it was a blizzard and i didn't care... just like how i did when i was a kid... i didn't care my toes were freezing... i didn't care i had snow in my shirt... down my pants... i was having fun... suddenly i was that kid again lying in the snow... looking up at the sky... and just taking it in... until a snowball hits my face lol...

till then bePlayful.....

don't worry i didn't forget about this!

anyway i've been spending quite a bit of time on my youtube channel where i post vlogs (video blogs or logs) of what i do in my life i guess its getting to be more personal now that the strangers who happen to read this can put a face to my feelings... does it bother me? not really i mostly started doing the vlogs out of sheer bordeom but now from receiving positive feedback i think i'll continue to post videos i guess i can also look back and see what i did and how i was and how my video's have evolved (if i ever get to that point where i have that many videos but i hope to keep this going for a while) i must admit i'm still getting used to talking to the camera and not being self concious... like how i look if people will judge just that sort of thing but then i just sort of brush it of... sort of... and just try to convey confidence well i guess you could say that making vlogs is like practicing speeches in front of people and the more practice you get in conveying that confidence then the easer it will be to do that in "real world" situations... well its late and its easter so happy easter i hope everything is well in your life and family as well as the friends around you!

i need to start working out.....

till then beActive... (or at least plan to)

waiting for wednesday's vlog to upload...

it's getting more and more fun to upload these videos... even tho i know that not many people watch them... i guess it just gives me something to do... as well as something to look back to... i hope i can continue to do these videos for a long time and have a long collection to perhaps MAYBE show my children in the future and be like hey look at what dad did! he wasted alot of time and filmed himself lol... anyway its just a thought lol... i've come to a musical block and i think i need to start playing other things other than taylor swift when i make covers... don't get me wrong i love her music its just i think i need more of a variety haha so if you have any suggestions just lmk by leaving a comment!

till then...beSpontaneous!

to whom this may concern...

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feelings that I’ve felt today… but years ago… I wonder if you think the same things… if you feel the same way… caught in this mess of wanting to be wanted but its not the same regardless of who its with… I don’t know if it we will ever find someone who will ever make us feel like how we felt when we were with each other… I know I won’t everything else would just be second best… and that’s not because I haven’t given it a chance… believe me I have and its made me into a person who I didn’t want to be… so for now I fly solo… doing things on my own… being happy with it just being me and only me… at least I try… I wonder if you still think about the way we used to be… I know I do… having the sun in my face walking to class… I tune everything out… people walking by… waiting at the crosswalk… sometimes I’ll smile while thinking of you… sometimes I’ll sigh a sigh of hopelessness… either way I haven’t ever stopped thinking of you… its getting harder and harder to talk to you… I feel like the what was once a malleable wall is hardening before us… the walls and lines of communication are being cut and getting higher… but no matter how high or how many lines are cut I’ll always have a ladder tall enough… sometimes I wish I could just ask you if you still love me… or if you’ve shared that love with someone else… I may never know… I wonder what it would have been like… where I would have been… if today had more meaning rather than a distant reminder of what could have been... it’s still saved in my phone… I put it in my calendar years ago… and not realizing it until this month that it was still there… but all I can do is just hope that you’re doing well… and your best… that you’re happy… content… loved… and everything in between... maybe we’re both secretly waiting for each other… although that statement sounds very strong right now… its weird cuz I can’t say that I am… but I also can’t deny the fact that I’m waiting… I guess its just there not by choice… not my brain… but my heart is who put it there… after all love isn’t logical…. Thinking back I can still remember the way you smell… the feeling of your hand in mine... having our fingers tangled... it feels like I haven’t heard your voice in years… will you ever read this... who knows… I won’t know… I guess that’s the beauty of online blogs… it only makes a difference or changes things when each other knows that they know… so I guess I’d just like you to know… or this is my way of letting you know… that I won’t forget… I haven’t forgotten… and I just want you to be happy in all that you do…even if you never see this...

till then...beSpecial... cuz that's what you are...

while rendering.....

i figure while i sit and wait here for my new vlog entry to render i should write something... so a friend of mine that i work with is having problems with an ex and how he/she dosen't know if they should see other people... ex's are a tricky thing... you wonder if they are seeing someone else and when they are its the worst thing in the world... it makes you do things that you would normally not do if you didn't know... but i mean we all have had our fair share of carma... what goes around comes around right... and this time what went around bit me in my ass real hard... so now i just drown myself in blogs, twitter, youtube, music, cars, and friends... not necessarily in that order (how this blog became about me i don't know just go with it?) anyway sometimes when you're that point where you're ex or whoever is with another person you just have to hope that they are happy... after all its not like you can make them happy (i mean you broke up for a reason right? i think...) and just hope that the person that they are with is good for them... who's either 1. better than you or 2. just something to hold them over until something as good as you comes around... regardless either way they need to be happy... even if its for the mean time or genuinely happy... there's no need to wish they were as miserable as you (if you are miserable that is) or to do the same things that you're doing (assuming they have the exact interests as you which is not always the case) either way i don't really know where i was going with this it just felt good to write i guess since the rendering of my video is picking up its pace.... 12% now woo! i've been enjoying making these videos and hopefully more in the future! i'm not sure what to say anymore so thanks for reading my randomness

take care of yourself...

New VLOG! are you EXCITED?!

so i decided that i'd try this vlog thing it seems pretty exciting i'm not sure how long i'll do it, i guess it depends on the feedback i get from my first few videos but so far so good but for now i'll just let the video do the talking =] (oh btw i added another youtube tab at the bottom wibia underbar of my vlog channel so you can have easy access to that too!)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

i can hear people screaming outside my window as well as down the street today is a beautiful day for well cheersing it to good ol St. Parick not much to say today but be safe and have a great holiday!

future updates:
new videos are in progress so keep watch for that!
and hopefully more edit intensive videos =]

till then...beSober... NOT! lol

New Videos Check The Under Bar!! =]

okay so instead of posting videos i just decided that i would just let you peeps know when i made a new video you can find it by clicking the Youtube icon on the under bar and if its not there for whatever reason (cuz it sometimes is a bit kinky) you can also click here =]

http://www.youtube.com/user/sspecbb6

thanks!

Formspring...

okay so i'm not sure how i feel about this just yet but i thought it would be just something interesting perhaps? who knows anyway i sort of like the idea of questions being completely anonymous then you can really see what people wonder about you... but its sort of scary at the same time because what if i get statements or questions like "you suck!" lol that's not even a question! anyway i just threw it in the side bar sooo hopefully it's some what cool and i'll get to keep it around... anywho looks like i'm gonna have to start getting ready for the dayy... kbye

New Under Bar

so i got this new underbar below the page not sure if you guys will like it but its something new perhaps redundant but hey its flashy =p oh and it gives access to my youtube videos so that's always a plus =] check it out! i hope you like it!

end of spring break...

having things that you love is always good for when you're bored... this spring break has come and gone so fast... i don't feel like i've done anything but at the same time i feel like i've done lots of things... i don't know what it is... playing the guitar... being ambitious and seeing what other things i can accomplish... i feel like when this break is over reality will set in... pressures and stresses of school... standardized exams... applications to grad school... pressures to find a job... just life hitting me fast... i wish i had a snickers lol... tomorrow morning i'm having an early breakfast i guess you could say with my grandma we're going to eat at some japanese place so i think it should be exciting... she's always a blast to hang out with....

i'm excited to go back to dekalb man i feel like i've been calling that my home although i wouldn't consider it my home... i guess what i'm trying to get at is that i don't feel like the home i lived in for over 11 years feels like home anymore... i feel like i need to move on get out of here go somewhere new i'm sure i've mentioned something about this but i can't help it since it's always on my mind...

when i get back i'll have more videos to post so that should be exciting since all the editing that i can do is on my desktop since its bomb ass lol anywho i got an early day tommorrow so i guess this is all for now...

till then...beReflectful...

Pre-Spring Break Thinking

with spring break just around the corner it looks like i'm going to have lots to do... no i'm not going to Miami to party... or a cruise or anything like that... i'm going to be lame and not go anywhere lol... crazy to think that this is going to be my last spring break ever of my undergraduate career... there is just so much to do these days i need breaks to catch up or to just stay productive and keep pace with my life...

without even having my spring break start yet... my dad and i picked up 48 boxes of laminate flooring last week because i guess my mom decided that she would redo the entire upstairs... now i know that she's not going to hire anyone so that leaves me and my dad to do the job... granted she didn't ask me yet but i'm just assuming lol... but then with my dad being at work all day i'm probably going to be the one doing the majority of the work so well here goes nothing! i'll see if i can post pictures of my progress...

i just took a practice GMAT exam from Kaplan and well i guess i wasn't surprised or saddened about my score its exactly what i thought i would get while this being a somewhat good thing i also realize that well i'm going to have to bring that score up so test prep books and studying here i come! .... -_- exciting i know... well i'll have to make the best of it right? anywho enough future talk...

in the upcoming weeks i hopefully plan to get more covers out i've got some in the works and some scheduled with other people so that should be super fun i'm really excited so hopefully they all work out! i'd spoil you with the song list but well i wont lol...

now for some life talk... man alot has happened to me since i've actively updated on this blog... physically, emotionally, spiritually? (perhaps i haven't decided yet) each day i'm getting a good grasp of what i want out of life but then each day i feel as if more and more responsibility is being put on me... i guess that's what i get for growing up... which is to be expected but you really never realize the magnitude of whats hitting you till well... it actually hits you... so i find myself thinking all the time about everything i have to constantly remind myself to take it a day at a time with everything changing around me... sisters growing up moving out... my life is evolving... my family is evolving... i'm...(drum roll please) growing up!... kind of... i'm barley managing handling myself don't get me wrong its exciting but it is also a lot of work... hopefully it will all be worth it in the end... hopefully... we just gotta hope for the best but expect the worse...

till next time...beYou...