Burning time before a workout...

so i've got some time to kill before i workout lol anyway so i realized that more than 1 person (me) reads this blog lol i realized that at least 2 people read this thing. now just from that fact alone who knows who else reads this... i could be their morning read... or what they read while they are in class - ahem.. you know who you are =p... they could also be someone who i'll never meet or that i've met perhaps one time and just wanted to keep tabs from afar.... a tad creepy but hey its a public blog, its not like i'm posting my social security number and address here! anyway it keeps me motivated to keep writing and updating this thing knowing that eyes other than my own will be ever looking at this... people could be inspired by my blog or their whole routine could be thrown out of whack if the check it and its been the same new post for a week! i've wondered why people blog and i kind of understand it now... its sort of an addiction... i never used to be into it perhaps i had nothing to say or just perhaps i wanted people to read it but never knew that people did... the reason that i started posting alot is because i've had alot on my mind and did not really care if people would read it... i did it for myself... and i guess thats the key... it could be applied to everything... doing things not for others but for yourself... then eventually sooner or later people will gravitate... i guess this is where charisma comes from or where you walk into a room and you know that this person just gives off this vibe where you feel like you should know him or get to know him... i want to be that guy... i want to work to be that guy... the guy that people look at and they can't help but think "hey he seems like a nice guy i want to meet him" ::only not as cheesy lol:: instead of the "oh look at that a-hole standing there lets make fun of him" it all starts with confidence in yourself don't worry about people noticing because they will but you can't fake it you need to do things for yourself to better yourself then your betterness (is that a word?...) will rub off or just come off like an ora... kainda like those axe commercials just not quite as intense lol... anyway i'm not saying that i'm anything like that or how i'm so awesome, i'm actually not that awesome... but i'm trying to get there... we all are... it just takes time...

and for the few readers that do actually read this... thanks :) and i'll try not to let you down!

till then...beAwesome...

sleepless...

its been harder and harder for me to get to sleep early.... is it because there are always a thousand thoughts in my head... a thousand thoughts with each thought having a thousand outcomes and paths that i could take... i need to stop thinking so much... but i can't just turn it off... its just always on... i close my eyes but my mind's awake... always wondering... always wishing... always thinking... i think too much... too much for my own good... i need to put an end to this... but how... i would have to think about it... at least school helps me focus my thoughts for brief moments... but no school now... no classes... no distractions... you just gotta get through the day... we all have our ups... and downs... some more downs than ups... but its getting through the day is what matters... and i guess since its the morning its the start of a new day... i need to surprise myself... i need to show my self up... i need to not think so much... it will rip me apart... so i need to keep being strong... i can do this... its nothing... or everything...

hope you're getting some sleep...

till then...beExtraordinary...

runaway consciousness...

feelings of anxiety...
feelings of happiness...
feelings of loneliness...
feelings of addiction...
feelings of wanting...
feelings of thirst...
feelings of strength...
feelings of clarity...
feelings of hope...
feelings of carelessness...
feelings of nostalgic...
feelings of creativity...
feelings of soreness...

...and that's not even a 1/4 of it...

all at the same time... am i crazy? no... just human... and that can drive us crazy...

we will just have to see what tomorrow brings...

till then... beThoughtful...

By Simply Holding Hands...

ok so this wasn't written by me but i just thought it was beautifully written by my kuya Hersh from his blog All Things Chill i have read it multiple times and every time it strikes a chord in my heart. you can't not read this and relate you just cant so that's why i would like to share it with you.

- hope you don't mind kuya :/

On The Subject Of Holding Hands…

Being in love. It shouldn’t be hard. It may be quite difficult at times, but there should be no reason to constantly worry about your significant other twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. The sad truth is that we will all feel pain, whether it be a secret love that will never be expressed, or a fleeting romance that should really have lasted forever. It’s the truth. It’s the non-stop adventure of being alive. It’s what makes all the good times so much better.

With that being said, one should never view a relationship as something akin to a time-bomb waiting to explode. You’re only wasting your time since it only distracts the heart from receiving warmth. I believe that something truly worthwhile should just happen, rather than be worked on. Effort isn’t the right word… it’s what someone wants to do for that other person that makes things so… easy. There may be doubts, but ultimately, it’s the actions, not words, that shape a once clouded mass of emotion into a heart full of love.

Let’s use holding hands as an example. At first, it can be crazy awkward. Sweaty palms, a swirl of “omg I feel so cheesy” thoughts come to mind. But eventually, it happens… and it sticks. It may have happened before, but I doubt that many people have separated because of it. I mean, it’s a sign of affection. Definitely one of the first ways two souls can touch. How could it be a bad thing? Sure, there are times when it can be taken for granted, but it becomes so blaringly apparent when it’s not there.

When holding hands, a strong link or bond can occur… kinda like a secret language. Giving a tight squeeze while walking down the street to signal your partner to check out the lady with a funny looking hat. A tap of the pointer finger to ask ‘is there something wrong?’ Shifting intertwining fingers “one over” can turn a frown into a smile. Thousands of hidden games of thumb-wrestling while taking a cab ride home. Random hand crushing sessions can have two people laughing out loud for no reason at all. It’s something amazing and unique that two people share.

The beauty of the hand holding language is that it can develops over time. The vocabulary grows with your love. I guess it’s Just another reason to enjoy it while it lasts.

“So don’t let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you’re alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
Before you grow old”

-The Warmth by Incubus

Before you grow old.

~Herschell

now don't tell me this did not strike a chord or even a note in your heart...

you're a brilliant man kuya thanks for everything... although i'll have to take up your offer on pizza if i'm ever in your area! :p

till then...be In the moment...

Mind and Heart...

Its interesting how our mind can play tricks on us… how our minds can make us think things that aren’t even there… or even assume things that aren’t even true… we are in a constant battle with our minds… battling out the things that aren’t true so that we can just keep our head on straight and get through the day. Recently there has been this conversation topic between my friends with longtime girlfriends. Now they say that they have never been this happy in their entire life and they did not think in a million years that someone could make them feel this way. But now since they have been in the relationship for quite some time now they are starting to have other thoughts… thoughts of “could I be happier” or “is there someone out there that could make me feel like this or even better?” in my honest opinion its these questions that get us in trouble… we just have to weigh the facts… ok now so you’re having thoughts of could you be happier? Look at it this way… is it worth losing everything that you have with this person? Is it worth fighting with this person? Is it worth not even being friends with this person? Is it worth cutting this person completely out of your life? If you answered no to these questions then just stop thinking about it because what you have is really good, you should appreciate it and not take it for granted… its that kind of thinking that can get you into serious trouble and cause you to have problems where you don’t even know how to start fixing. It all comes down to if its worth it… and if its not then by all means go for it… everyone deserves to be happy and if you’re not happy there is no point in staying in the relationship… I believe that we don’t know a good thing when we see it or are experiencing it… we don’t know just how good it was until its gone… yes I know its cliché but its true… sometimes we just need a reminder of these things… someone to smack us upside the head and say “hey wtf are you thinking?!” so if you find that your significant other makes you happy, more than anything in the world, don’t lose sight of that, make sure you show them how much you appreciate what they do for you, because your feelings don’t like and your gut instincts don’t lie either. So before you let your mind run away with your thoughts just listen to your gut, as well as your heart, because your mind can twist anything in your favor… tell your significant other that you love them each and every day because sometimes the mind forgets but the heart never does…

till then...beloving...

temporary escape...

its nice to escape, to be free of the troubles that consume you, free of worry, stress, and everything else that brings you down... but its after that escape that all of them come back... perhaps harder than they were before... i guess the longer or harder we try to escape the worse they are when we are taken back... but I'm strong, and this is nothing i can't handle... so I'll continue to escape once in a while knowing full well that it will come back worse because for that moment of escape everything seems worth it to me at least... its the times when i come home is when i remember that at one time my heart weighed nothing... but now it feels so heavy... I'll get through it... i know i can... i need to be strong not just for me but for the other hearts out there that feel like they are dragging a 50lb weight with them... just need to keep focusing on taking in the small victories... rewarding myself for the small accomplishments because if i keep my expectations high then there won't be much celebrating and rewards for myself then whats the point? I guess with more understanding comes less hurt... my bed has never felt as warm as it did before lately I've been cold i don't know why if its because I'm getting old or if its because i sleep in a different position but somethings different... where ever i sleep its just hasn't been as warm as it used to be...

till then...befearless...

taking a step back.....

sometimes we need to just take a step back.... and not let ourselves be confused by the things that bother us the most... things may look like a mess or they don't belong but when we step back and look at the bigger picture its those little messes and things that don't belong that make a beautiful masterpiece... so next time you're feeling down and out of it just remove yourself from the situation and look at the bigger picture even if its not completed yet... its going to be a masterpiece... the hardest part of doing that is simply removing yourself... sometimes i feel like I'm moving through concrete unable to remove myself from the situation... but its possible and the strength is in each and every one of us we just have to find that strength its not a question of if you have it, its a question of do you want to use it...

till then...beStrong...

Homewreckers... (lol sounds bad i know)

relationships are weird... especially the topic of "homewreckers" what makes a homewrecker? just for the sake of example we'll just have the situation be a couple and an outside guy. now if the couple isn't happy with each other and are on the verge of breaking up but the outside guy likes the girl and then they end up dating but only after the couple breaks up (i did not want to deal with infidelity thats a totally different story... ) but anyway why do we make the outside guy the bad guy? why is the guy who was originally with the girl the good guy? what if the outside guy was ment to be with the girl and would make her so much happier, and would end up spending the rest of their lives together? now the "homewrecker" looks like to be the "homemaker" (lol not sure if thats a term but i'm gonna use it) the old saying of all is fair in love and war (and pokemon battles! lol if you watched pokemon as a kid like i did) but joking aside the way i see it from a "technical" standpoint anything is fair game unitl the girl has a ring on her finger. ok i know what you're thinking... you're probally thinking that i'd be a homewrecker and honestly thats not my style :p but it is also very situational alot of things need to be considered. was the outside guy and the girl good friends before? were they in a relationship before she met someone new? just things like that. i know some people who don't belive in destiny they think its "bullshit" they told me that if i want something to happen then i gotta just get out there and do it myself but i believe in that too. a wise man once told me (my dad) that "god dosent help people who don't help themselves" and that has never rung more true in my head he told me that when i was a child and i have never forgotten it. i believe in destiny but i don't think people should rely in destiny or fate or god 100% i believe that you need to do what you gotta do and that last bit of (whatever it is that will get you to your goal or what you need) destiny or fate or god will help you see to that. i believe that not everything is written and you can't rely on if it is ment to be then it will be because if you don't do anything to push yourself in that direction then not even god can help you (lol the not even god can help you sounded so forceful but its true!) going back to what i'm saying (sorry for the crazy tangent) but lets say you were the outside guy/girl and were interested in the other girl/guy already in a relationship you should do what you feel like you should do. now i'm not saying everyone should go out and try to steal eachothers girlfriend and boyfriend that decision is up to each person, i'm just saying that each person should be given the opportunity to live a life without regret because they could have missed out on something great. so next time you see a situation similar to this just take a step back and really see whats going on really see the intentions of everyone involved before making some sort of judgement over oh he/she's just a homewrecker because for all you know the couple to begin with isnt even happy with eachother that guy/girl could be their saving grace you just never know. this closley relates to something that i've said before in a pevious entry of how we plan and god laughs. we just never know what life is going to bring us we just have to make decisions that will make us happy. not sure if any of this made any sense... its just whats going on in my mind who knows my thoughts on this could change by tomorrow so i'm writing it down now...

till then...beRandom...

True Friends...

there's something that i've noticed about the friends that i have, some being just acquaintances others being study buddies, and then there's the pour your heart out too/always there for you friends. these friends are worth keeping, something that i've noticed with some of my friends is that i wont see them for what feels like ages but then once i'm in their company its as if we only saw each other yesterday. now i don't have this with just anyone its just the select few, its nice i try to keep in touch with these friends, its these friends that will help you through anything its these friends who wont judge you no matter what situation you're in. now it doesn't matter how long you've been friends, i've made friends who ive been friends with for years and friends that i've only known for a couple of months and i've already felt this connection with them, not trying to be gay unless you want me to :p anyway if you're reading this then you probably already know if you are one of the select few.. i'd just like to say thanks... thanks for everything i mean it :)

till then...beFriendly...

Many Hands Make Light Work...

so today i decided to help keith fix his fence in his backyard jun came later to help us out, it only took us about an hour to fix it in what previously took keith 3 days! (keep in mind you for those of you that know keith would only understand this) but yeah it only took us 1 hour which was awesome all of the digging, cement mixing, nailing, screwing got the fence up in not time i was proud of our work. keeping on this productive scheme i asked if they wanted to help me cut my grass so we went over to my neighbors house to ask if we could borrow their lawn mower and so we had 2! so you guessed it it took us half the time it would normally take me to cut my grass we got it done in about an hour! it was awesome. we finished off the day eating with my family pizza and Chinese food lol but yeah this has been the first real productive day since the last day of fall semester haha makes me feel good to see the fruits of my labor :)

till then...beProductive...

Plans...

We all make plans, I've made plans, plans to do this, plans to do that, but I've herd the saying somewhere not sure where it came from but it goes something like this "we plan, god laughs" i would consider myself a somewhat religious person that i believe in god n such but the short saying rings some truth.

Alot of things that i've planned for have had a turn for the best and the worst but ultimatly we just never know whats going to happen. if there's anything that i've learned for experience, life, friends, and family its to live life with out regrets i know it sounds cliche but its true. if you feel like doing something you should go ahead and do it (within the realms of the the law of course) because if i ever just went with my plan or just went with what would be best i would have missed out on some of the best parts of my life. In the end i would like to look back on my life and say yeah i did everything that i wanted and the path that i have chose was the best possible path for my life. life's about being happy right? so i'm going to do the things that make me happy BUT being happy or getting to be happy isnt always easy things are never easy (i'm sure you're like yeah yeah i've heard all of this before life is hard) but its true i've never realized how hard life could get until now. my mind racing so fast with my thoughts at night causing me to think of everything and anything. thoughts of love, friendship, careers, family, i feel like i know what to do and what i want with life but then again the saying of how we plan and god laughs still lingers in my mind.

i just hope that god dosent have too much fun laughing (but then again his help is always welcome)

till then...bethoughtful...

a brighter day...

ok sorry for the super last emo post...

emoness aside i've done alot of thinking i mean A LOT of thinking... thinking is in my blood how can i not right?

anyway i'm feeling a lot better now, not my best but better now. i understand what needs to happen and understand what i need to do with my life.

i have family counting on me, friends counting on me, and most importantly myself counting on me

i have goals, goals of finishing up school within the year so that my parents will be proud of me and wont have to pay multiple tuitions since my sisters are entering college

so no more parties (well i mean significantly less) no more wasting time and just "getting by" instead of getting by i need to get through it.

i've been having feelings of constriction, i'm tired of school i need to be done with it already. i want to get out of DeKalb i want to get out of my home town just to somewhere where i can start fresh somewhere new i mean i love my home towns and my family but i feel like i'm not free. life is about being free aint it?

i figure that i should take this time to put some goals down so that i can look back to see if i have accomplished them.

1. be at optimum physical health (since i have a mild case of high blood pressure)
- 1 mile a day
2. graduate school by spring of 2010
3. get a decent career and help my parents pay for my sisters college (of course if i can afford it)
- i mean i won't sacrifice living in a box lol
4. to not forget to have fun in life
- taking time to "stop and smell the roses"

i just need to take things one day at a time...

till then...beStrong...

why...

why do i feel sad... why do i feel like i've lost... why do i feel lost... why do i feel like i'm being replaced... why am i jealous... why am i regretting my thoughts... why does it hurt... why do i feel this way... why am i so paranoid that people are talking behind my back... why do i drink...

i just want it to go away... have it all go away... have it the way it was before... when things were not complicated...

i don't even know whats going on anymore... why do i feel alone... why do i feel angry...

i hope nobody ever experiences what i have even though the sad thing is that people feel this way all the time... how do you cope..

why do you cope...

its a losing battle...

till then... beHappy (or at least try to be......)

random thoughts...

ok yeah i know i haven't posted on here ever but give me a break k?

i'm getting alot older now and i'm not sure what to do about myself, i mean i know the whole finish college thing and get a good job after than and what not and i guess that's what i'm planning to do is to get school done with and over just so that i don't have to worry about it anymore. but what if i don't want it to be over? what if i'm not ready to grow up? what if things are moving way to fast? i have no idea things just sometimes don't make sense like what i should be doing right now. the past year i have been pretty antisocial and for reasons unknown i have started to become more social because making and maintaining friendships require an effort on my part as well. call me crazy but i kind of like how i have one more year (well according to my plan) in school and that would put me up to the 5 year plan which i don't mind because i was talking to my cousin about the 5 year plan and he said its a good way to go because you leave college with no regrets you do the things that you want to do and hopefully... hopefully you don't have any regrets after. so that's why for next year i decided to run for an e-board position on AAA (asian american association) of niu hopefully i'll get a position there elections are in about a month so we'll just have to see.

i guess i like to keep myself preoccupied with things in and around school because thinking about what happens after college stresses me out. internships, careers, where i would want to work somewhere in Chicago or somewhere in Kansas City with my girlfriend Katie who i have been dating for 2 years thank you very much :) but just more questions of keeping in touch with old friends or even getting in touch with friends that i have lost contact with. i'm a people person and i don't want to end up doing the same thing every day, is that too much to ask? or is it just bound to happen... i don't know i guess as of right now i just need to focus on what i'm going to do the next day and well as i always say/tell myself to cross that bridge when you get there.

till then.... beHopeful