whats it worth to you?

i guess you could say i don't know what i want but at the same time i know exactly what i want... you know the saying of "enjoying the fruits of your labor" well how will i know if the fruits are worth the labor... you don't... taking risks is a part of life... even if your a person who is not a risk taker... you are you just don't realize it... by simply not taking risks you are taking the risk of not taking those risks... a recurring theme in my life has been constantly coming up... the whole idea of is it worth it... everything comes down to if its worth it... is it worth not watching over your friend when they have a problem and the only way to help them is by not helping... is it worth experiencing pain or hurt when it comes to love... is it worth not being true to yourself... is it worth it to put up a mask hiding your true self... some of these i've experienced and some i have not... but it always seems to boil down to if its worth it... how far we are willing to go... willing to sacrifice... willing to hurt... or lie... or willing to just sit there and do nothing... i know a lot of these things are situational but it always comes down to two things... things that you want... and things that you don't want... i know some of you are saying "oh but its complicated", "oh you don't know what i'm feeling or what i'm going through"... we all have a choice and it comes down to if its worth it... now i know the path to finding out if its worth it may be long or short but to get anywhere you got to ask yourself what things are worth it to you... what things are worth keeping... what things are worth losing...

till then...beWorthy...

Taylor Swift... she's cool =p

ok so i've been listening to some of Taylor Swifts stuff out of sheer boredom and its not that bad i was just checking her music videos out on youtube and this one is prolly her best one...

the video is very..... American lol but then again that's what country music is all about right =p

till then...beEclectic...

struggling with my thoughts...

why did i sleep late last night... its right in front of me... its so obvious... i can't assume... should i go out tonight... i need to work out... i don't feel like going out tonight... wandering thoughts... am i happy... can i do this... its going to take some time... i'm strong... do they notice... will anyone notice... i haven't touched my guitar in 2 days... i should start playing again... been listening to Taylor Swift... i like her music... i think i'm going to move back upstairs... the basement is too cold... i want school to start already... i want to finish school already... don't assume... but i can't help it... i can see it... its as plain as black and white... screaming at my face... but its ok... i can handle it... there isnt anything i can't handle... i'm strong... and they will notice... i'm patient... i'm very patient... its a virtue... who knows maybe this will all make sense in the future... maybe tomorrow... why do i keep fortune cookie fortunes on the back of my phone... maybe i believe in them... maybe they will come true... maybe its random... but i never usually get the fortune cookie... all these thoughts... i wish there was an ikea for thoughts... i need miles of shelving... or bins... if i had a penny for my thoughts i'd be rich... i'm a thinker... i over analyze things... i pay attention to too much detail... i don't know where i'm going with this... maybe reaching out... for a connection... to anyone... for anyone... to get a taste of what goes on in my head... i don't think i'm going to go out tonight... i should sleep early...

till then... beThoughtful...

A not so bad Memorial Day...

So today i spent a lot of morning time with the family waking up at 9am then we went to the cemetery to visit my grandpa Sa Lim (dads dad) it was nice the whole gang was there brothers, cousins, the little children, if you've had the chance to meet my family you've probably met all of them cuz we travel in packs and everyone goes out with everyone lol then after that we went to china town to eat got there a bit too early since they were still closed so my family just took a stroll up and down the streets of chinatown. They got various chinatown foods and i had to look at the weapons store haha... anyway the place were we ate at was ok... not the best but not the worst... after that we all split our separate ways and just went home... so i'm chilling at home and Mark tells me that he's been having the most boring days of his life since he hasn't seen a soul in 2 days so i drive to see him which is about an hour away (which isnt bad at all i'd drive longer to see him) but yeah so we were just sitting around being bored together and let me tell you being bored with someone else is MUCH better than being bored by yourself lol... so two other people came over and we had ourselves a mini bbq :) idk why people like to bbq on memorial day but hey its always nice to bbq even if its just four people haha it was still fun... but now i'm home and i'm tired... i hope your memorial day was if not as exciting more exciting than mine :) i guess for some of us its back to work... but for me i don't work tom :p so i'll prolly try to get some things done around the house... we'll just see what tomorrow brings... new day... new experiences...

till then...beHappy...

waiting for my laundry...

today was a very long yet short tiring day... worked at 10am till about 4 then went hope worked out for a bit ate dinner then next thing i knew its already 12! anyway to my surprise i've been enjoying myself lately, since i've been home i've been having a lot of me time/alone time and i guess its not to bad because i'm so used to being around people when i'm in school that i guess i forget what i do when its just me. my cousins from new jersey just left so i think i'm gonna take my bed back upstairs so that i'm not sleeping in this cold basement lol anyway well tomorrow is memorial day and i'm going to visit my grandpa at the cemetery and pay my respects, its probably going to be followed up by my family going out to eat in china town not too excited about that but hey i guess its tradition right? its kind of sad that i don't remember my grandpa i have pictures of me sitting on his lap and my dad would tell me stories of when i would get in trouble i would just run into his lap and my dad wouldn't be able to punish me i guess he was like "base" haha. i bet it was nice having a base to go to when things got bad even tho i don't remember... i wish i had a base that i could just call and nothing could happen to me... but i guess that's wishful thinking... holidays aren't that special to me anymore... whenever i think about holidays i think... oh maybe i can work that day to get time and a half... or how i won't get to work out that day... yeah its fun being with my family but its the same stuff... sometimes i wonder how i'm going to spend my future holidays... if i move out of my house... i'm probably going to want to spend it with my family... but then again maybe not... maybe i'll be purposefully working who knows... i guess holidays are just excuses for people to make the day special when they should be making every day special... they should be making every day worth while... we should not need an excuse to celebrate... we should just celebrate... so the next time you feel like throwing a party or a bbq or whatever just do it don't wait for an excuse cuz there are too few holidays...

till then...beCelebratory...

For a Moment...

so i work at Michaels as a "Certified Custom Framer" lol it sounds fancy but its really not... i sit in the little (cave is what i like to call it) and frame peoples pictures all day or help people find out what they when when they come in to frame something that not a standard size... but in the times that i have to myself (i usually wait no always work by myself) i have alot of time to think... think about alot of things... random things... things that bother me... or just what i'm going to eat... i guess its good that i have alot of time to think since i would consider myself a thinker... but its also has its downs to thinking so much... like maybe some of you i overthink... overthink about alot of things... thoughts of the future... i always wonder whats going to happen... how things will play out... i think about how other people think... and what they are thinking... i think about if they think like me... latley i've been thinking about how people date "casually" what is that? i've never understood that... dating "casually" is that just a fancy name for short-term friends with benifits? i have no idea... then i came to my own conclusion that i don't think that i would ever date casually... just the thought of meeting someone for the first time then something inside of your makes your legs move toward them then slowly your body gives you the will to ask for their number... you're talking their hand brushes yours... you play it off like its nothing but you feel electricity... as if a thousand volts just passed through yours causing your heart to stop for a moment... you're addicted... addicted to that electricity... that burst of life that nobody can explain but only experience... and even those that have experienced can't explain that to people who have experienced it... its different for everyone... your legs get weak... your chest gets heavy... your palms are sweaty... you get nervous... pupils dialate... you're sucked in and you can't escape... now how does this "casually" happen? is casually dating dating someone without these feelings? how does that feel? is it closer to friendship? i have no idea... who knows... i guess maybe its just me... maybe its me who needs to feel those things... because i guess we can't look or tell people to make us feel those things... it just happens... and when it does happen... we wan't to be there... with them... always... not casually... but perhaps i still have alot to learn... alot to figure out... should i ignore the feelings that are there or ignore the lack of feelings? just so that perhaps maybe that person can make me feel that way? i guess everything is situational... each person is their own... i know if i ever encounter those feelings again i'll make sure to take the time to appreciate it... not to rush anything... because by stopping and just enjoying the moment is what makes life beautiful... thats what our lives are about right? the moments that we remember...

till then...bein-the-moment...

Being the older brother...

having 3 sisters is tough... making sure that they are all in check with everything... i check in with the littlest one to see if she's done her homework yano that sorta thing... but now that the others are growing up they give me the vibe that i am being overprotective... but i mean what can i say i guess i'm hardwired to do things... maybe i don't want them to make the same mistakes i did... i also try to see the things that i've learned from life and perhaps it will make things easier for them... i guess with any older sibling we feel as if we are supposed to guard them and make sure they stay out of trouble... but i guess i realized that sometimes they just have to learn things on their own... make their own mistakes... because although it sucks but by them making their own mistakes they will learn and perhaps see what i've been trying to do... no question i'll be there for them... but i think they will need me the most when they can't pick themselves up... so for now i'll just watch and hope they make the right choices and just be there to pick them up...

till then...beWatchful...

Making New Friends....

Making new friends is always fun... its like starting a new relationship but only not romantically... its nice to find out that there are people out there just as crazy as you and just as extreme as you... people say with romantic relationships opposites attract but i think that with friendships its people with similar personalities/views/goals/way they live their life... with making new friends there isn't that phase where both people are thinking "hmm does he like me?" , "am i leading her on?" , its very simple and can be fixed with one phrase... "oh we're just friends" =) then at that point even in a male/female friendship the male or the female can call up the other and ask if they want to see a movie, or if they could come hang out... things that would normally throw up red flags to us causing thousands of thoughts of "is he/she interested in me?!"... but they don't simply by the "oh we're just friends" phrase... now i'm not saying that friends don't ever end up dating eachother i actually believe that in every male/female close friend relationship that at one point in the relationship they will find eachother desireable it might be only for a second or for a month, it may not have happened yet or maybe it already has happened. its at these points in the friendship relationship that it has a chance to be thrown into the romantic relationship stage... but its what the person does with those feelings is what makes all the difference... thoughts of "how will this change our relationship", "is it worth losing them as a friend", so from the looks of it, it would seem that a friendship relationship is harder to maintain than a regular romantic relationship... (i'm not actually sure its just my thoughts right now) but who knows... but as for now just enjoy the people and friends around you... lol sorry went out side and its super nice now i can't think =p

till then...beFriendly...

Burning time before a workout...

so i've got some time to kill before i workout lol anyway so i realized that more than 1 person (me) reads this blog lol i realized that at least 2 people read this thing. now just from that fact alone who knows who else reads this... i could be their morning read... or what they read while they are in class - ahem.. you know who you are =p... they could also be someone who i'll never meet or that i've met perhaps one time and just wanted to keep tabs from afar.... a tad creepy but hey its a public blog, its not like i'm posting my social security number and address here! anyway it keeps me motivated to keep writing and updating this thing knowing that eyes other than my own will be ever looking at this... people could be inspired by my blog or their whole routine could be thrown out of whack if the check it and its been the same new post for a week! i've wondered why people blog and i kind of understand it now... its sort of an addiction... i never used to be into it perhaps i had nothing to say or just perhaps i wanted people to read it but never knew that people did... the reason that i started posting alot is because i've had alot on my mind and did not really care if people would read it... i did it for myself... and i guess thats the key... it could be applied to everything... doing things not for others but for yourself... then eventually sooner or later people will gravitate... i guess this is where charisma comes from or where you walk into a room and you know that this person just gives off this vibe where you feel like you should know him or get to know him... i want to be that guy... i want to work to be that guy... the guy that people look at and they can't help but think "hey he seems like a nice guy i want to meet him" ::only not as cheesy lol:: instead of the "oh look at that a-hole standing there lets make fun of him" it all starts with confidence in yourself don't worry about people noticing because they will but you can't fake it you need to do things for yourself to better yourself then your betterness (is that a word?...) will rub off or just come off like an ora... kainda like those axe commercials just not quite as intense lol... anyway i'm not saying that i'm anything like that or how i'm so awesome, i'm actually not that awesome... but i'm trying to get there... we all are... it just takes time...

and for the few readers that do actually read this... thanks :) and i'll try not to let you down!

till then...beAwesome...

sleepless...

its been harder and harder for me to get to sleep early.... is it because there are always a thousand thoughts in my head... a thousand thoughts with each thought having a thousand outcomes and paths that i could take... i need to stop thinking so much... but i can't just turn it off... its just always on... i close my eyes but my mind's awake... always wondering... always wishing... always thinking... i think too much... too much for my own good... i need to put an end to this... but how... i would have to think about it... at least school helps me focus my thoughts for brief moments... but no school now... no classes... no distractions... you just gotta get through the day... we all have our ups... and downs... some more downs than ups... but its getting through the day is what matters... and i guess since its the morning its the start of a new day... i need to surprise myself... i need to show my self up... i need to not think so much... it will rip me apart... so i need to keep being strong... i can do this... its nothing... or everything...

hope you're getting some sleep...

till then...beExtraordinary...

runaway consciousness...

feelings of anxiety...
feelings of happiness...
feelings of loneliness...
feelings of addiction...
feelings of wanting...
feelings of thirst...
feelings of strength...
feelings of clarity...
feelings of hope...
feelings of carelessness...
feelings of nostalgic...
feelings of creativity...
feelings of soreness...

...and that's not even a 1/4 of it...

all at the same time... am i crazy? no... just human... and that can drive us crazy...

we will just have to see what tomorrow brings...

till then... beThoughtful...

By Simply Holding Hands...

ok so this wasn't written by me but i just thought it was beautifully written by my kuya Hersh from his blog All Things Chill i have read it multiple times and every time it strikes a chord in my heart. you can't not read this and relate you just cant so that's why i would like to share it with you.

- hope you don't mind kuya :/

On The Subject Of Holding Hands…

Being in love. It shouldn’t be hard. It may be quite difficult at times, but there should be no reason to constantly worry about your significant other twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. The sad truth is that we will all feel pain, whether it be a secret love that will never be expressed, or a fleeting romance that should really have lasted forever. It’s the truth. It’s the non-stop adventure of being alive. It’s what makes all the good times so much better.

With that being said, one should never view a relationship as something akin to a time-bomb waiting to explode. You’re only wasting your time since it only distracts the heart from receiving warmth. I believe that something truly worthwhile should just happen, rather than be worked on. Effort isn’t the right word… it’s what someone wants to do for that other person that makes things so… easy. There may be doubts, but ultimately, it’s the actions, not words, that shape a once clouded mass of emotion into a heart full of love.

Let’s use holding hands as an example. At first, it can be crazy awkward. Sweaty palms, a swirl of “omg I feel so cheesy” thoughts come to mind. But eventually, it happens… and it sticks. It may have happened before, but I doubt that many people have separated because of it. I mean, it’s a sign of affection. Definitely one of the first ways two souls can touch. How could it be a bad thing? Sure, there are times when it can be taken for granted, but it becomes so blaringly apparent when it’s not there.

When holding hands, a strong link or bond can occur… kinda like a secret language. Giving a tight squeeze while walking down the street to signal your partner to check out the lady with a funny looking hat. A tap of the pointer finger to ask ‘is there something wrong?’ Shifting intertwining fingers “one over” can turn a frown into a smile. Thousands of hidden games of thumb-wrestling while taking a cab ride home. Random hand crushing sessions can have two people laughing out loud for no reason at all. It’s something amazing and unique that two people share.

The beauty of the hand holding language is that it can develops over time. The vocabulary grows with your love. I guess it’s Just another reason to enjoy it while it lasts.

“So don’t let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you’re alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
Before you grow old”

-The Warmth by Incubus

Before you grow old.

~Herschell

now don't tell me this did not strike a chord or even a note in your heart...

you're a brilliant man kuya thanks for everything... although i'll have to take up your offer on pizza if i'm ever in your area! :p

till then...be In the moment...

Mind and Heart...

Its interesting how our mind can play tricks on us… how our minds can make us think things that aren’t even there… or even assume things that aren’t even true… we are in a constant battle with our minds… battling out the things that aren’t true so that we can just keep our head on straight and get through the day. Recently there has been this conversation topic between my friends with longtime girlfriends. Now they say that they have never been this happy in their entire life and they did not think in a million years that someone could make them feel this way. But now since they have been in the relationship for quite some time now they are starting to have other thoughts… thoughts of “could I be happier” or “is there someone out there that could make me feel like this or even better?” in my honest opinion its these questions that get us in trouble… we just have to weigh the facts… ok now so you’re having thoughts of could you be happier? Look at it this way… is it worth losing everything that you have with this person? Is it worth fighting with this person? Is it worth not even being friends with this person? Is it worth cutting this person completely out of your life? If you answered no to these questions then just stop thinking about it because what you have is really good, you should appreciate it and not take it for granted… its that kind of thinking that can get you into serious trouble and cause you to have problems where you don’t even know how to start fixing. It all comes down to if its worth it… and if its not then by all means go for it… everyone deserves to be happy and if you’re not happy there is no point in staying in the relationship… I believe that we don’t know a good thing when we see it or are experiencing it… we don’t know just how good it was until its gone… yes I know its cliché but its true… sometimes we just need a reminder of these things… someone to smack us upside the head and say “hey wtf are you thinking?!” so if you find that your significant other makes you happy, more than anything in the world, don’t lose sight of that, make sure you show them how much you appreciate what they do for you, because your feelings don’t like and your gut instincts don’t lie either. So before you let your mind run away with your thoughts just listen to your gut, as well as your heart, because your mind can twist anything in your favor… tell your significant other that you love them each and every day because sometimes the mind forgets but the heart never does…

till then...beloving...

temporary escape...

its nice to escape, to be free of the troubles that consume you, free of worry, stress, and everything else that brings you down... but its after that escape that all of them come back... perhaps harder than they were before... i guess the longer or harder we try to escape the worse they are when we are taken back... but I'm strong, and this is nothing i can't handle... so I'll continue to escape once in a while knowing full well that it will come back worse because for that moment of escape everything seems worth it to me at least... its the times when i come home is when i remember that at one time my heart weighed nothing... but now it feels so heavy... I'll get through it... i know i can... i need to be strong not just for me but for the other hearts out there that feel like they are dragging a 50lb weight with them... just need to keep focusing on taking in the small victories... rewarding myself for the small accomplishments because if i keep my expectations high then there won't be much celebrating and rewards for myself then whats the point? I guess with more understanding comes less hurt... my bed has never felt as warm as it did before lately I've been cold i don't know why if its because I'm getting old or if its because i sleep in a different position but somethings different... where ever i sleep its just hasn't been as warm as it used to be...

till then...befearless...